Three Kings... and a clean fridge

Once again I can't quite believe I'm doing this. Once again I'm going to share with you my shame. I'm going to show you my fridge, the hasn't-been-cleaned-in-11-years fridge.

And you need to see the fridge to truly appreciate what an accomplishment it is, why it is such a huge deal, when I say, "We had adults in our house last weekend!"

And these were not "safe" adults, the few I can trust not to judge me, or judge the state of our home, but Adults-with-a-capital-A that I... had... never... met!

When we moved into our current home, we had an open house party on "The Twelfth Day of Christmas" January 6. We had painted our dining room, living room and hallways, as well as the bedrooms. The kids now had separate rooms, pink for Taylor, blue for Mitchell, as you can see in the photo below.
 

[In Jan 2007 a woman in Vancouver delivered sextuplets. Since the local paper couldn't get pictures from the family (who wanted to remain anonymous), a photographer from the Ottawa Sun came and took some photos of our "multiples", Mitchell and Taylor. This close-up photo is the one that ran in the paper.]

 
After our successful Twelfth Night party, the kids asked if we could have a party again the next year. But I couldn't manage it. That year had been just a little stressful. We discovered that our daughter Taylor was struggling in school and we needed to have a psycho-educational assessment done. Because she was only in grade one, she was too young to be diagnosed with a learning disability, but she had some processing issues, and was at risk for literacy problems, so we were advised to remove her from the French Immersion program. Three years later it was confirmed that she had dyslexia, so it was a good move.

But we were also struggling with Mitchell's behaviour at home. A psycho-educational assessment for Mitchell said that he would be fine to stay in French Immersion, while Taylor started grade two in her new English-only school. But Mitchell was struggling at school too. We discovered that he was having problems with his teacher, and the way the school handled active little boys in the French Immersion program. His anger and anxiety was spilling over at home. By March Break we knew we needed to move him as well - and get him some help. (You can read more about how we tried to help Mitchell in this post inspired by Nemo's dad Marlin) Unfortunately leaving the French Immersion school also meant the kids losing all their friends, and me losing the community that I had worked so hard to create, a community of moms, friends and families. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.



Our last Christmas with my mom, 2007

A few years earlier my mother had moved from Halifax (my hometown) to Ottawa where we live now. She was living in a retirement home not far from our house. It was a lot of work for me, not just because she was blind and had some hearing impairment, but because she had osteoporotic fractures in her spine, her collar bone, and then her hip. And because she had Alzheimer's. By the Fall of 2007 her health had declined significantly and she needed to be moved to a long-term care facility, essentially a "nursing home." Christmas 2007 was our last Christmas with my mom, who passed away at the beginning of February 2008. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.

And then my depression came roaring back. In part, because of my health. I had uterine hemorrhaging and was practically bed-ridden for two years. This is an excerpt from a previous post (you can read the gory details - that women just don't talk about - here)

My iron got lower and lower. I got weaker and weaker. I was more and more tired. I could barely walk up even the most gentle of slopes. I was unable to do anything around the house. My poor husband had to take over laundry and meals, leaving me feeling pretty incapable, adding to my depression. And it also left our home to get more and more cluttered, while my fitness level and mood kept falling.

Mitchell and his bedroom when we first moved in
and "After" a few years

And then my depression worsened. And then my father died. And then I started having panic attacks.

I thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) because the winters were so hard. I saw a specialist and he put me on some meds. When I went back to see him he said, "You feel better in the Spring right?" My response was, "Um. Not so much. In fact we didn't take down our Christmas tree." He said, "Ah. This is not S.A.D., this is a major depressive episode." He referred me to a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group where I learned about riding the wave of emotions. It was also where I first realized the shame I had about our house, and learned the strategy of just doing ten minutes, to clean up with tea cup. And then, at the end of that group therapy session, I decided I needed to tackle my eating disorder. I joined a therapy group at the Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. The therapist (who inspired the turtle charm) and the women that I met in that group made so much difference in my life. I called them my "Flower Power."

And then, in December of 2011, I started to overcome my eating disorder, using Pandora charms as my reward. And then after two-and-a-half years of recovery, I asked for help with my depression and panic attacks. And then I attended the "Day Hospital" program in the fall of 2014. And then I did six months of schema-focused therapy in the winter and spring of 2015. And then I participated in a program called "Working with Emotions" doing a program based on DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) in the fall of 2015. And then I was enrolled in a mindfulness meditation series in the winter of 2016. And since then, I have continued working on all of the skills I acquired, with support from my family doctor and a social worker.

And now here we are, in January 2018, in a house that had not been thoroughly cleaned in a looooong time. And now I realize that with all the work I've been doing I have not been writing very many blog posts.

I'm not sure when the kids stopped asking if we were going to have another Christmas party, but they did stop. We didn't invite adults to our home for many years. I was just too ashamed of how bad it got. But we've been working on our Clean Sweep for some time now, using the Hopi charm as inspiration, so this year I suggested we invite parents to our Saturday Games Night, which just happened to fall on Twelfth Night, January 6. My only stipulation was that the kids had to promise to do some major cleaning jobs on their Christmas vacation.

"Before" and "After"

One of Taylor's chores was to tidy the basement. We have done a major Clean Sweep in the basement, as you can see from the "Before" photo. (That is a story for another day.) Those plastic bins were ready for the start of our Clean Sweep. In the top photo on the far right you can just see where the futon was open after someone was here for a visit. We have painted the basement, and when Taylor tidied up, she covered the old stained futon with this bear paw quilt that my (blind!) mother made for our wedding. I thought it was quite a brilliant move on Taylor's part, so I took a picture.

When we started Games Night it was my intention to invite families, not just kids. But it never happened. We've been holding Games Night since the kids were in grade 7 and they are now in grade 11. And all those years, I was too ashamed to have adults come to our home. Shame can be very isolating.

Although it feels like we've been working on our Clean Sweep for a looooong time, the house was still VERY dirty. And I could not bear the thought of people seeing it so dirty. The kids were whining and questioning why we need to clean. Mike assigned Taylor the job of cleaning the fridge and of course she complained, and said, "Why do we need to clean the fridge?" So when she got to the part where she took out the fruit and vegetable bins, I said "THAT is why we need to clean the fridge!" and so I took a picture.



The "Before" and "After" of the fridge

Mike washed the kitchen cupboards, the range hood, and the spice rack over the stove that had a quarter-inch layer of kitchen grease and dust. I was in charge of kitchen sink, countertops and backsplashes, windows, all appliances from microwave to clothes dryer, as well as bathroom toilets, shower and bathtub. Mitchell was in charge of vacuuming everywhere as well as washing all the walls and woodwork - doors, window frames, etc. He was so surprised to see what a difference it was making, particularly the stairwell. And I said, "THAT is why we need to clean the house!" But I forgot to take a picture. Taylor had the jobs of dusting everything, including all bookshelves, cleaning the basement bathroom and scrubbing the shower floor, tidying the basement, organizing the games... and cleaning the fridge.

What did you do on your Christmas vacation? We cleaned our house and had a PARTY! And this massive accomplishment will be marked by Pandora's "Three Wise Men" charm on my "Victorian Christmas" bracelet.

 "On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

a clean house and Christmas par-TEE."

(and the three kings charm)

  

And how WAS the party you ask? Well, we had so much fun I forgot to take photos! There were 15 of us in total, including three other parents - moms. Upon arriving, the first mom said, "I wish I was one of those parents that has people over. I'm glad you are." If only she knew! I just smiled and told her, "If the kids are going to hang out with friends, we'd rather have them do it here." She was so pleased to come, and participate, because her daughter, she says, "is always so excited to come."

 

Taylor's best friend (and a friend of Mitchell's too) said, "My other friends want me to go out with them and are surprised that I'd rather come to Games Night. But it's easy here." So easy in fact that she fell asleep on the couch in the midst of the game. Her mom said, "She thinks she's part of your family." We're happy to have her.

 

As everyone was leaving, the third mom said, "I've offered to have everyone come to our house." But her daughter just waved her off and said, "It wouldn't be the same Mom." My only complaint was I would have enjoyed visiting with the other moms rather than just playing games - and maybe made a new friend - or three.

 

I've made many friends from around the world through Pandora. And I was curious when I saw people from Spain share photos about "Three Kings Day." And Puerto Rican friends said their kids would leave hay for the camels of the three kings and the magi would leave gifts for the children. Los Reyes Magos, celebrates the arrival of the three wise men in Bethlehem. In French countries - and French Canadian cities - the tradition has been to celebrate with a cake, Galette des Rois, in which a small toy was hidden, sometimes a baby to represent the three kings searching for Baby Jesus. The person who found the toy would be king and wore the crown, which luckily comes with the cake when you buy it. We gave it a try a few years ago but nobody was particularly fond of the cake, and the kids were really too old by that time to care much for wearing a paper crown, even if it was gold. But now we have a new tradition on January 6 - A Three Kings Party.

I have to say, it is getting easier to share my shame. Because I know that there are others struggling with the same things. And I know this because many of you have been in contact with me. To let other readers know that they are not alone, please comment (anonymously if you prefer) to say you can relate.

I think the other reason that I have less anxiety when I "share the shame" (that should be a hashtag) is that I am more accepting of myself and my situation, and recognizing how I got here. Accept where you are and start where you're at



Pandora stock photos

My thoughts on the charm itself: This is a nice solid two-tone charm. The details of the kings' crowns, garments and offerings are fabulous, especially the gold cross on the back. Although I have to say, up close, the hollow eye sockets are kind of freaky. Pandora always does good details like tails, backsides and butts, and in this case the feet of the three kings.


Photo from the blog Charms Addict

Maybe this year I'll work on earning the Twelve Days of Christmas charms by redbalifrog.

Photo by Paula Jackson of the blog beadsaholic
Find the link in my Blogroll

When Christmas carolling "means a little bit more"

Have you ever thrown a wish out into the universe and then been surprised at how it came true?

I'd been saying for years that I want to go Christmas carolling but never seemed to get it organized - and of course beating myself up about it, aka "shoulding" all over myself. But I bought the carollers charm last year and put it on my Christmas bracelet this year, and, low and behold, my wish came true. But not at all in the way that I expected it to.

Now let me digress, or more accurately, start out, with one of my favourite stories about my husband's family, the Haydens. When Mike and I first started dating, and then living together, we would go "home" to Nova Scotia (our home province on the east coast of Canada) at Christmas. At that time, Mike's grandparents were still living but my mother-in-law Dede's parents needed to move to a nursing home. When clearing out her parents' apartment, Dede found out that her father, who had lived through the Depression, never threw anything out and had a huge collection of paperclips, of all things. The good thing about this (besides the plethora of paperclips) was that he kept old correspondence.

When the Hayden kids were young (Mike's the oldest of four), they would make audiotapes to send to the grandparents who spent their winters in Florida. I happened to be there when they found these tapes in grandfather Ray's desk. There were some great stories that came from listening to those tapes, but something on one tape, clearly made at Christmas, is a story we still repeat.

Mike's dad Dick played the guitar. So the family sat down to sing songs for this audio tape. And they started with "Frosty the Snowman." And it went something like this: "Frosty the Snowman, na na na na na na na..." The voices faded away but Dick kept playing. Let's just say it became an "instrumental" version of Frosty. We laughed so hard when we heard it!

OK back to planning the carolling. I thought we should ask people in the neighbourhood or the kids' friends if they would be interested. But when would we schedule it? Because of course lots of people have so many parties and commitments in the weeks leading up to the big day. Oh dear, we'd need to clean the house because we would have to invite people over to our house afterwards. Of course we'd offer hot chocolate and cookies. I'd need to buy hot chocolate because no one in our family really likes it. And we would need mini marshmallows because they look so cute floating on top of hot chocolate. Hmm the cookies were going to be another problem. In the rush leading up to Christmas I never seem to get baking done so where would I squeeze that it? There was also my concern that nobody would remember the second verse of "Jingle Bells" or the first line of Frosty (see how I made that connection there?). Therefore I'd need to print the lyrics to a number of favourite carols so everyone had a copy. You can see why this never happened! I was over-thinking it.

And then a friend invited me to an event on Facebook. To go carolling. In our neighbourhood.

My neighbourhood friend, who was there for me when my mother died, lost her husband suddenly when her two girls were eight and five years old. Now her girls are teenagers and their mom has cancer.

This friend has always been involved in our community of Hintonburg, particularly in the Arts community. So when the owner of a local store, that sells the work of local artists, heard the news about the cancer they wanted to help, particularly at Christmas. And so did my daughter Taylor and I.

Group selfie of the carollers; this was taken just before we went into the Hintonburg Public House.
Taylor is in the back with the Santa hat and I'm the hatless one just behind her.

To bring Christmas cheer to our neighbourhood, and raise money for our friend and her two daughters, Maker House organized what they called "Community Carolling." There was no hot chocolate but there was mulled cider. And there were marshmallows, but the big kind, dipped in chocolate and crushed candy cane! They even made up little packages with pretzels dipped in chocolate and sprinkles. They gave out little ribbons with jingle bells on them. And they printed up booklets with lyrics - including Frosty! (Taylor, by the way, was very excited to find out that she could keep the songbook afterwards.)

Carolling in the Hintonburg Public House.
(that's Taylor in the Santa hat)

I recently read the book The Tao of Pooh, and learned that sometimes we have to not try so hard! "Tao doesn't force or interfere with things, but let's them work in their own way, to produce results naturally. Then whatever needs to be done is done." The book further explained, "Things just happen in the right way, at the right time. At least they do when you let them, when you work with circumstances instead of saying, 'This isn't supposed to be happening this way,' and trying hard to make it happen in another way."

So now, on my "A Victorian Christmas" bracelet, I have this little charm, with two carollers dressed warmly for this winter activity, and holding a songbook - hopefully with lyrics for Frosty. But now this charm isn't just about singing Christmas carols, or making it a perfect social event. As Scrooge learned in A Christmas Carol, the Christmas "spirit" is about family and community, and hope and generosity. "Perhaps," to quote The Grinch and Dr. Seuss, this Christmas charm now "means a little bit more."

Mike gave me this book for Christmas after I mentioned I'd never read it before.
"A Christmas Carol: the original manuscript edition."

As we walked home after carolling, Taylor said, "That was fun! That was my first time carolling." And so this year, Taylor's Christmas ornament was a snowman in a choir ruff, to represent not just her performances with her school vocal class, and being asked to join the Chamber Choir this year, but also so she can remember her first time carolling.

 

(Mitchell's ornament, in case you're wondering, is this silly Santa/elf because the highest mark on his report card this year was drama, and he tried out for the part of an elf in his class play - I told you he's a clown!)

Related Posts:

Sending Love and Christmas cheer around the world - a story about an unforgettable moment in 2016 when one of Taylor's choir concerts had me thinking about my Pandora friends around the world.

Forever Paris Contest: Pandora fans are not Grinches - a story about all the fans of Pandora promotional items and my definition of "a true Pandora fan" with a little poem inspired by Dr. Seuss.

Sing. Sing out loud... - a story about how Taylor came to love singing (no thanks to me!) and an important lesson she taught me about learning to be myself.

A tale of two cities... and a Christmas tree - a story that will give you goose-bumps and is a reminder that the Christmas spirit is about gratitude and generosity, and thinking of others in our hometowns, our countries, and around the world.

Let there be peace on earth - a story about choir performances on Remembrance Day after a terrorist act in our city, and the charm I have to represent my hope for peace.

A tale of two cities... and a Christmas tree

Did you know that each year, at Christmas, the huge tree that glitters on the Boston Commons is a thank-you gift from the people of Nova Scotia?


The 2015 Christmas tree in the Boston Commons



At this time of year, and with the news filled with stories about terrorism, war, refugees, and mass shootings, I thought I would share a story from the city where I was born and raised: Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the East Coast of Canada.

 

The two-tone Christmas tree on my old-fashioned Christmas bracelet

In the midst of the First World War, on the morning of December 6, 1917, in the Halifax Harbour, the SS Mont Blanc, a French cargo ship laden with high explosives collided with the Imo, a relief vessel bringing supplies for civilians in war-torn Belgium. While citizens of Halifax gathered on the pier and watched the ensuing fire, the Mont Blanc drifted closer to shore until it exploded, creating the largest man-made explosion before the development of nuclear weapons.

 

After the blast, looking down the hill towards the waterfront

 

The 7 million pound hull of the Mont Blanc was tossed upward of 1000 ft and rained down in white-hot shards. The fireball was 1.2 miles high and the shaft of the Mont Blanc's anchor landed more than two miles away. The heat from the explosion caused the evaporation of seawater in a 20 foot radius, momentarily exposing the floor of the harbour. The blast was felt over 250 miles (400 km) away.

 

The "Before" - the North End of Halifax in the early 1900's

The "After" - a train travelling through the area of destruction

 

The "After" - looking up the hill at the area of destruction

The 700 mph blast rolled up the hill from the harbour and four hundred acres of residential homes and businesses were flattened - and then slammed by a 60 foot tsunami. Stoves, chimneys and lamps knocked over in the blast set homes on fire, often with families trapped inside. Whole streets were ablaze. The very next day a blizzard dumped 16 inches (41 cm) of heavy snow on the city, putting survivors at risk from exposure as well as impeding fire fighting, rescue efforts, and even the arrival of relief supplies.

A home destroyed by the blast

All told 1600 people were killed instantly - by the blast, the tsunami, or the collapse of buildings. Another 9000 were injured, 400 of whom would die from their injuries. And in a city of less than 60,000 people, suddenly 25,000 were homeless. Having processed hundreds of bodies from the Titanic, only a few years before, the city was equipped for identifying the remains. Residences were turned into hospitals and schools were turned into morgues. Within 48 hours trains brought relief workers and took away casualties and refugees.
 

Families who watched the fire from the windows in their homes, and children who watched from the windows in their schools, were instantly blinded when the blast wave shattered and splintered all the glass in a 20 mile (32 k) radius. Thirty-seven people lost their sight. Almost 6000 people had eye injuries and medical staff surgically removed more than 250 eyes.

My mother reading Braille

My mother, who was visually-impaired and very active in the blind community of Halifax, knew some of the children who were blinded in the Halifax explosion. Ninety-eight years later I suspect they are no longer here to remind of this event in our collective history. But people do remember. 

 

After the Halifax explosion the most significant, and best-remembered, American support came from the state of Massachusetts. Within twelve hours of the tragedy, Harvard University emptied its medical school and with the Red Cross and hospital nurses collected what was needed for a medical suite on a train bound for Halifax. Back in Boston there were community relief drives collecting schoolchildren's pennies and high society money and collecting a warehouse of relief supplies to be shipped to their northern neighbours. Emergency teams remained in Halifax for months and were part of the rebuilding effort.

 





Temporary housing named for Massachusetts Governor McCall on the newly created Massachusetts Avenue



With the explosion, Halifax was front page news around the world. This was part of my history growing up; knowing that people from other countries step up and help when there are disasters, war, and refugees.

 

 

Since then my province was the site of the crash of Swissair Flight 111. Local fishermen led the search for survivors and many volunteers helped in the recovery, while other locals brought food and blankets to emergency workers. For both recovery workers and the families of the victims, Nova Scotians offered their homes as places to rest, and churches as places to grieve.

 

Only a few years later, on the morning of 9/11 flights were diverted from New York City, with the Halifax airport taking the greatest number of aircraft - forty flights in total. It took five days before flights started moving again and in the meantime Nova Scotians opened their hearts and their homes to the 8000 unexpected visitors.

 

The year after the Halifax explosion the province of NS donated a large Christmas tree to the city of Boston in thanks and remembrance of their assistance. In 1971 the province started sending a tree every year, and also sends trees to two shelters for the homeless in Boston. Residents of Nova Scotia vie for the honour of having their tree selected for donation.

Nova Scotia's tree getting loaded for Boston

In 2013, after the bombing at the Boston marathon, the official Christmas tree of Boston was led out of Halifax by a group of runners, in honour of the victims of the bombings. This year's tree, a 72-year-old white spruce that stands 49 feet (15 m) tall, was donated by a Nova Scotian who was a former Boston marathoner. Just last week was Boston's Tree Lighting Ceremony, with the Mayor of Boston, the Premier of Nova Scotia, members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and, of course, Santa.
 

The 2015 official Christmas tree of Boston (and a pyrotechnic display)

As we put up our Christmas tree this year, I will be sharing these stories with my teenaged twins, and reminding them to be grateful, and to think of others, in their hometown, in their country, and around the world.

 

Best wishes to you and your families this holiday season.

 

This bracelet is mostly composed of charms "borrowed" from other bracelets. I will wear it everyday until Three Kings Day

Related Posts:

To hear a tale about international friendship during the Second World War, and the charm that I have to represent my Pandora friends around the world, please check out this post.

To read a story about my mother's youth during the Second World War please enjoy this post.

For a more current account of how terrorism came home for me have a look at this post from last month.