Bellies and babies and "girlie parts"

My Treasured Hearts bracelet with the genesis dangle

There’s this thing that sometimes happens with women during peri-menopause (the years leading up to menopause). This “thing” is something I’d never heard of… until it happened to me. Why don’t we talk about this? Why don’t women talk about these things? Well, I’m about to share the gory details.

In 2009, at the age of 44, I started to experience uterine hemorrhaging. This is not something women talk about. We talk with our daughters about their periods. We joke with our peers about hot flashes. But we don’t talk about this - severe blood loss. It makes me wonder if the medical profession even talks about it.

I had to go to the Emergency Room a few times and the resident would ask me, “So how many sanitary pads would you go through in a day?” I was like, “Seriously? I have handfuls of huge clots coming out of me in a BIG gush. No sanitary pad is going to stop that.” The other question was, “How many days a month do you menstruate?” Ha! I told them, “There are 3-4 days a month when I’m NOT menstruating!” Every once in a while I would meet a nurse who truly understood what I was experiencing, but it was rare. The female resident I saw at our family practice actually talked to me about my “girlie parts.”

The back of the genesis dangle next to the baseball charm
(photo from a Father's Day post about the baseball)

My kids were accustomed to seeing a trail of blood to the bathroom! I couldn’t go more than 10 feet from a washroom. Because of that it was very isolating. And I was not able to exercise or go outside. Unfortunately, isolation and lack of exercise both wreak havoc with depression.  This went on for two years. Two years! I was practically bed-ridden for two years.

My iron got lower and lower. I got weaker and weaker. I was more and more tired. I could barely walk up even the most gentle of slopes. I was unable to do anything around the house. My poor husband had to take over laundry and meals, leaving me feeling pretty incapable, adding to my depression. And it also left our home to get more and more cluttered, while my fitness level and mood kept falling.

After two years of procedures, ultrasounds and biopsies – including intra-uterine and cervical biopsies - it was discovered that I had developed a condition, similar to endometriosis, where the lining of the uterus grows into the wall of the uterus, causing pain and severe bleeding. I was on a medicine to control the bleeding and a double dose of the pill to provide progesterone. Once we had a diagnosis they were then able to control the bleeding with an IUD that provided localized progesterone.

My "belly" the day of delivery

At the same time that all this was happening I developed a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) – a blood clot – and had to immediately go on blood thinners. When this was first discovered I had to give myself injections of heparin in my belly. And every time I had an invasive procedure I had to go off oral medication and back on the heparin shots to the belly. Having a DVT was pretty scary because a blood clot can travel to your lungs, heart or brain, causing severe complications, even death.  And the reason people get blood clots – usually – is bed-rest, surgery, a broken bone, or cancer. Although I’d had a lot of bed-rest, I hadn’t had a broken bone, or had surgery, so they had to investigate cancer.  And of course, being on blood thinners was having an impact on the hemorrhaging.

It turns out that the DVT was due to an autoimmune condition, similar to Lupus, which increases the risk of blood clots in both veins and arteries (usually blood clots are in the veins). So I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life; thank goodness with an oral medication. This condition is one of the causes of multiple miscarriages in some women, and with it I would not be able to have children.  Luckily I already had boy-girl twins and I was quite content to stop there.

When I first came across this retired “genesis” dangle in a local store, I thought it looked like a womb with a growing fetus. I assume that was the intention of the designers, because the word “genesis” can be defined as origin, creation, or beginning, coming from the Latin word for birth. I also thought that the back of the charm looked like a pregnant belly – I’m not sure that was intentional.

For me, this genesis charm, and its meaning, are very significant. This charm, with the grape rhodolite stone, was the beginning of my “Treasured Hearts” bracelet, a bracelet about the three people that I “treasure” the most, my husband and two children. So this genesis dangle represents my gratitude for my “girlie parts”! Gratitude for coming through these health challenges with all my "parts" intact - even if I am done with them, thank you very much. And gratitude for this “belly,” which allowed me to carry my two “treasured hearts” for 38 weeks!

 

 

Keeping gratitude in my heart

My husband annoys me. His sneezes are way too loud. He forgets to tell me things. He is ALWAYS bringing home the wrong thing from the grocery store because he NEVER reads the details on a package. He has NEVER wiped off the kitchen counter.

Well, I could go on and I'm sure many of you could do the same. First clue here is, when you are saying "never" and "always", especially in capital letters, nothing good can come of it! So I don't want to spend too much time thinking about the things that frustrate me - or drive me crazy! Because, as the expression goes, "what you attend to, grows." There are big things and there are little things, many of them not-so-endearing. But none of them deal-breakers. So I will focus on - attend to - the positives, and not the negatives.

My coach recommended I keep a Gratitude Journal - and every day write down three reasons I am grateful for Mike. I've been writing in a Gratitude Journal for years, but this one is just about him.

I was given this notebook by a friend for Valentine's Day. She is very talented with this artwork but I don't know what it's called. I couldn't think at first what I would use the notebook for. It needed a special job, cause it was from a special lady. 

Then I remembered one day, that some of us were complaining about our husbands - current and ex. We had all made compromises in our relationships, some bigger than others. And some chose to leave their spouses, others to stay. I realized that I am lucky that there were not BIG issues that I have had to forgive. So, in honour of these other wives, I realized that this is the perfect notebook for my "Grateful for that Guy" journal. 

When we went away for a week as a family in March I wrote in the journal every day. I needed to! We spent a lot of time together! And I have written in it about twenty times in the last few months. It helps me remember that there are little things he does that make me love him, but there are big things too.
 

Here's a sampling of the things I wrote down, the reasons why I am "Grateful for that Guy":

Some little things:
 

Today I am Grateful that...

- Mike shares his love of The Simpsons with the kids

- Mike enjoys listening to CBC radio with the kids

- Mike will rub my sore tired feet

- Mike makes a mean pasta

- Mike suggested Dairy Queen

- Mike drives me to the college and we have time to chat

Some bigger things:
 

- Mike loves me despite my weaknesses

- Mike always has really good insight about the kids, especially the other introvert in the family

- Mike is working with a coach; it shows his willingness to work to improve things and his commitment to himself and our family

- Mike is able to tell me when he's had a bad day

- Mike asks if there is anything he can do before he leaves for work

- Mike coached Mitchell's basketball team and had such positive feedback from the parents, including his decision to not leave his best players on during the overtime of the bronze medal match and to follow the rules of "fair play."

- Mike thinks "it's probably best" if I spend the measly $1000 or so I make a year on Pandora

The Treasured Heart charm on my Treasured Hearts bracelet reminds me of this important affirmation, "I am Grateful for that Guy!" And I treasure his heart.

Daddy, do you have time to play? A reflection on Father's Day.

Last year for Father's Day I asked my then 11-year-old twins to each write a card for their dad and tell him what they love about him. I honestly can't remember the first two things my daughter wrote. I think they were something like, "you buy me books" and "you take me to Sugar Mountain (their favourite candy store)." But what stuck with me was the third thing she wrote: "I can always go throw a baseball with you." It just touched me so much.

I never had a baseball glove. I never played baseball as a kid - my mother took us camping all summer. My father wasn't really "there for me." And my father certainly never had the time to throw a ball around with me. In fact when I went to university and played volleyball, the Athletic Director tried to teach me how to throw a ball to improve my spiking! I couldn't even throw a ball across the width of the gym. Yes, I "throw like a girl!"

Apparently there was a study done investigating this expression "throws like a girl." They observed men learning to throw with their non-dominant hand and found that they "threw like a girl." The conclusion being that poor throwing is not really due to gender but lack of practice. Meaning girls need to get more practice!

Taylor in the closest lane running the 100 m.

I do think that some people are going to be more gifted at certain sports. Our son naturally takes to many sports, especially those requiring hand-eye coordination. And honestly, I have to say, our daughter "throws like a girl." She is a phenomenal athlete - doing gymnastics, rock-climbing, track and field, you name it. But... put a ball or a stick in her hand and... well... it's not pretty. But... it is improving... with practice!

 

Taylor has had her own baseball glove since she was a toddler. And she knows that she can "always go throw a baseball" with her Dad. I am so grateful that my daughter has such an amazing Dad... and that she knows he is always available for her.

The baseball charm, on my "Treasured Hearts" bracelet (all about those whose hearts I "treasure" the most - my husband and kids) represents my husband who is actively engaged with our kids and always "there for them" - for baseball or otherwise.

 

She is one very lucky little girl.

Please click here to view my Facebook album for Father's Day

For Father's Day this year I made an album on Facebook - it's like a slide show with captions. There are pictures of Mike and all the things he has done with the kids over the years - and my thoughts on why he is such a great dad... he does need reminding sometimes.

Happy Father's Day My Love!

Breakfast - the most important meal of the day, for a different reason!

I had breakfast with my 12-year-old twins today - and 5 other twelve and thirteen year old girls! It's a PD day here and the girls had a sleepover in our basement last night. Over waffles and berries - made by the girls (my son and I were on clean-up) - we discussed the recent controversy over the dress code at school. We discussed sexual harassment at school and how girls can respond if a boy grabs their butt. And we discussed - well, demonstrated really - who could touch their nose with their tongue! THIS is why the experts say family meals are so important and why I recently set a goal of making sure I eat breakfast with my kids - with a Pandora reward of course!

 

In her most recent book, Your Child's Weight: Helping Without Harming, family nutrition expert Ellyn Satter says, "Time spent with families at meals is more related to the psychological and academic success of adolescents than time spent in school, studying, church, playing sports, or doing art activities." And family meals are not just about better nutrition. Satter writes, "Teens who had regular meals with a parent were better adjusted emotionally and socially, had better grades, and went further in school."

When I worked with families in a program for over-weight and obese children (through the Y and our local children's hospital) we discussed the importance of family meals. One of the most memorable outcomes for me, after a 12-week program, was that one of the fathers, who was a very hard-working man from the Philipines, who used to rush off to work very early in the morning, started having breakfast with his kids. That's it! Just made time to have breakfast with his children. But I wonder how that made his children FEEL? Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Despite the fact that I'm a big believer in the importance of family meals, I know that it is not easy to get everyone sitting down at the same time! For example, this past winter my husband played basketball on Monday nights, I taught a night course on Tuesday night, and my daughter had Girl Guides. Wednesdays my daughter had gymnastics, and Thursday my son had basketball - and my husband coached the team. And now that the spring is here my son is doing rugby two nights a week. Yup, definitely hard to fit in family meals! But what about breakfast?

A few months ago I met with a dietician to continue working on my recovery from my eating disorder and depression. Of course one of the things she asked was, do I eat breakfast? And I do, every day. But when she asked what TIME I eat breakfast I realized that I USED to eat breakfast WITH my kids and I hadn't been lately.

Amy, the dietician, asked what had changed. In looking back, I realized that I had changed some of the things I was sending for lunches for the kids and it seemed to take longer to prep the lunches.  I was worried I wouldn't get the lunches done before the kids needed to leave for school.  So rather than sit down with the kids to eat and THEN make lunches while they got dressed for school, I started making the lunches while THEY ate (by themselves) and I waited until after they left for school to eat MY breakfast (by myself).  Unfortunately it meant my breakfast was put off for an hour - not a good idea for someone with an eating disorder!

I was impressed that Amy used goal-setting sheets, where you write down your goal, but you also figure out the actions steps to meeting that goal, as well as any barriers that might prevent you from achieving your goal. So, using these sheets, the first goal I set with Amy was "I will eat breakfast, with the kids, 5 days a week" (the Specific and Measurable in SMART goals). If I say 7 days a week and I miss ONE day I will focus on the one I missed rather than the SIX times I did eat with them. In cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) by the way, they label this cognitive (or thinking) error "discounting the positive." Of course sometimes we all get up at different times on the weekends, so a goal of 5 days a week is more attainable (the A in SMART goals) than 7 days a week. I had a Pandora reward in mind (the R for Reward-based). And I committed to doing that for four weeks (T - for Timed). This time frame was long enough to see any barriers and address them, but also long enough that I might see the benefits and be more invested in continuing.

Clearly, for me to eat WITH the kids AND get lunches made, I needed to get UP a few minutes earlier. So that was the first action step. Discussing any barriers or road blocks that might get in my way, I realized that my husband has the alarm clock, so he usually wakes everyone up.  Meaning that one of the potential barriers to that all-important action step of getting up earlier was my husband hitting - or NOT hitting - the Snooze button! So the next action step was for me to set my OWN alarm, on my phone.  And a barrier to THAT was not always hearing my alarm!  So my third action step was, when I went to bed, I would check that the volume was loud enough AND check that the phone was not going to die in the middle of the night! Don't you hate when that happens?!

Often when we set goals, we forget to look at what obstacles might prevent us from achieving our goal.  Then, when we (inevitably) fail, we feel badly about ourselves and have less belief in our ability to successfully make changes in our life.  So when setting goals it is important to set ourselves up for success by planning.  As Winston Churchill said during World War II, "He who fails to plan is planning to fail."

So after setting the goal, determining the necessary action steps, and troubleshooting any roadblocks, I managed to get up on time, eat with the kids, AND get the lunches made, before herding them out the door on time - every day for two weeks!  By that time the new habit was well-established so I didn't bother to keep track after those two weeks. 

The reward for me, in addition to this lovely rhodolite heart pendant for my "Treasured Hearts" bracelet, is that I feel much more connected with the kids, hearing about something that may have happened at a sport or activity the previous evening, or hearing about their day ahead. This kind of connectedness that comes from family meals has been shown to increase school performance and self-esteem, and decrease rates of depression and substance abuse. And of course I love it - because they are, after all, my "treasured hearts." And I "treasure" this time with my kids.

Do my kids know they are my "treasured hearts"?

When Pandora first released these effervescence muranos I was intrigued by the name. I usually think of "effervescence" as carbonation of a drink or "bubbly." But my dictionary app says it also means, "to show enthusiasm, excitement, liveliness, etc." Well, I have never been accused of being subtle, calm, or subdued - I could do "effervescent!" - making these perfect for my newly completed "Treasured Hearts" bracelet. Because I want to SHOW my husband and my twelve-year-old twins that they are my "treasured hearts."

Not long before our twins were born I had an Ah-ha moment. There was an episode on Oprah where Toni Morrison was being interviewed as the author in that month's book club. She asked a very simple question, "When your child walks into a room, does your face light up?"
 

Morrison says that's what our kids are looking for. But she recalled that whenever she saw HER kids she was looking at them with a critical eye - had they buckled their trousers or combed their hair? She felt that she was "caring" for them but what they SAW was a critical face. She realized that her inner love was not shining through, and she made an effort to change that. She suggests, "Let your face speak what's in your heart" - it shows a child, "I'm glad to see you."

It was an Ah-ha moment for Oprah too. She said, "That is how you learn what your value is. Not by what the person is saying to you but what you feel." And I want my family to know I value them - treasure them, in fact!

My daughter has dyslexia and for the last two years she has gone to a tutor after school for 90 minutes, three days a week. Her tutor has been sick lately and I have to admit it has been so nice to have Taylor come home after school. She always has lots to share with me - about a gym class where she led the warm-up, a field trip they were on, a book she and her friends are reading, or an intramural sport she played at lunch.

So I set a goal for myself, to be there when my kids come home from school, and ready to be "on" as a parent - not busy on the computer, or involved in another activity. I want them to see that I'm happy to see them when they walk in the door! I want to discuss homework, but I also want to hear about their day! They have chores to do, but I'm also happy to make them a snack and we can visit. So I've "earned" these muranos in the last few weeks, and they will remind me to "be effervescent (excited and enthusiastic) when I see my kids."

Even though they are called "purple" these muranos are almost a fuchsia colour and go perfectly with the rhodolite and "treasured hearts" charms on my "Treasured Hearts" bracelet.