Enjoy your cheer - it comes but once a year! A reflection on St. Patrick's Day

A few years ago I decided to start a new tradition with my family for St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to make traditional Irish soda bread - and my reward for my efforts would be the retired silver clover charm for my True Colours bracelet.

But on the evening of St. Patty's Day, my husband and I were arguing (God-only-knows what we were arguing about), and my son was whining and saying, "Can't we make something else?" (you know, the way they draaaaaaw out the end of the last worrrrrrrd). I just got annoyed and said, "Fine! Forget it!" and went to my room to sulk! I needed to give myself a time-out.

With my emotional state already ramped up by the argument, I was overwhelmed with my feelings of frustration with the kids, and on the verge of having a panic attack. At that time I hadn't really learned about distress tolerance or emotion regulation, but at least I removed myself from the situation until I could calm down. Not long after, my daughter came upstairs and said, "Mommy, can we still make the bread?" She always reminds me to be resilient. She must also be lucky because she found three four-leaf clover before she was ten!

Taylor has always been quite shy, and she is often cautious when given the chance to try something new. There have been so many times when I have said to her, "Don't miss out. You may not get this opportunity again." That night, on St. Patrick's Day, I needed to say this to myself.

When you struggle with depression or anxiety, it is often the things we say to ourselves, rather than the things others say or do, that creates the overwhelming emotions that we experience. So I said to myself, "Don't miss out on this opportunity to make these memories with the kids. St. Patrick's Day only comes once a year!" I knew that if I didn't do this I was going to be really mad at myself! I also didn't want to let this ruin the whole evening. So I pulled it together. The kids each made a loaf of soda bread (with just a little direction from me). And we had some tasty Irish soda bread with dinner, to celebrate our Irish heritage. Now it's an annual tradition and the clover charm is an important reminder.

On a four-leaf clover, according to tradition, the first leaf represents hope, the second represents faith, and the third, love - the fourth is for luck. But for me this little four-leaf clover will also represent something else. It will remind me that there are things that only happen once a year, or only once ever, so "Don't miss out." I try to remember to be in the moment. To make memories. And to cherish those "unforgettable moments."



Our traditional Irish soda bread

I just realized that the Pandora four-leaf clover charm looks a lot like the cross you score into the top of the round loaf of bread! To read the traditional reason for the cross you can check out my baking blog Leonard Family Favourites, and see what my kids scored into the top of their first loaves of bread. This year the charm has the added congratulations to myself for completing the blog post about Irish soda bread in time for St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to do it in memory of my late Uncle Gordon Bingham, because the reason I started the blog was to share favourite family recipes with Gordon's children, and my youngest cousins, Alyson and James Bingham. I was pleased, thanks to Aunt Edna, that I was able to include a photo of Gordon as a teenager with his family, not long after they left Ireland and immigrated to Australia. You'll find recipes for three versions of the bread and some photos of how we like to eat it. You won't believe how quick and easy it is to have warm homemade bread, fresh from the oven. Our picky eater Taylor even likes it!


A bracelet made just for St. Patrick's Day this year.
On my Essence bracelet the "prosperity" charm provides a focal point.

I have been reminded that not all of my readers know the names of every charm Pandora ever produced (as I do) so I thought I would list the names of the charms on this new bracelet I made just for St. Patrick's Day; clockwise from the top: birds of a feather; love, hope and faith; moss; clover; leaf spacer; green fascinating murano; tree of life; fireworks (or starburst) clip; wildflower murano; roses spacer; celebration; unicorn dangle; world peace; roses spacer; wildflower murano; fireworks clip; wise owl; green fascinating murano; leaf spacer; cathedral ceiling; family tree; sun, moon and stars; and elemental flow clip.

In case you're wondering why I have the unicorn dangle on my St. Patrick's Day bracelet, it's because of this favourite song from my childhood, sung by a Canadian group of Irish immigrants; they called themselves The Irish Rovers. Their first hit "The Unicorn" was from a song originally written and recorded by Shel Silverstein, author of the famous book "The Giving Tree." The Irish Rovers TV show was a staple in my home while I was growing up. When I think "Irish," this song about the unicorns always comes to mind.

You Tube video of "The Unicorn" by The Irish Rovers with lyrics

 

 

Related Posts:

A little girl and an egg remind me to celebrate - a story about an interesting observation about my daughter and the insight it taught me.

When your brain and body scream 911 - a story about my introduction to the idea of "wise mind"  and the "threat system," and the reason for intense emotions.

Will he always love me? My explanation of panic attacks - a story about the origins of schema-focused therapy. A rather long post but my explanation of panic attacks.

Managing emotions means learning to surf - a story about emotions coming from the fight-or-flight response, and managing intense emotions by learning to "ride the wave."

Getting "High" - Just Say Yes... and Thank You

Last week a mental health nurse told me that I need to learn to accept help from others. She said, "Think of it this way. When somebody gives you something they get a 'high'. If you are not letting people GIVE to you, then you are depriving them of that 'high'!"

It was one of those "ah-ha! moments" for me because I was in the process of writing a blog post about this very subject - about someone else having difficultly accepting help from others. It reminded me that "we teach what we need to learn!"

I found out this summer that someone I have known my entire life was diagnosed with breast cancer and is undergoing chemo. While she is dealing with the side effects of her treatment, her sister is helping by driving her kids to and from their sports and activities. And her circle of friends have created a schedule and signed up to provide meals to the family. But all of this makes this lovely lady very uncomfortable.

In a text I told her that people like to feel that there is something they can DO when a friend or family member is going through something like this. I told her, "You deserve their care and compassion!"

Her response was, "Thanks. I like being on the other side of this type of relationship. I am good at giving support, not so comfortable receiving it!"

Hmm sound familiar? It brought to mind one of my first charms... it was almost three years ago... so here's the story... for Throwback Thursday.

The "open circle" charm between the heart beats spacer and the birthstone dangle

When I began the journey of recovery from my eating disorder, simply trying to remain symptom-free, one day at a time, I gave myself a $2.00 knock-off charm every day in the first week, and then once a week for the first month. I have since replaced those with authentic Pandora charms.

At the time, I was volunteering as a parent-leader for a program in my children's school called F.A.ST. (Families And Schools Together). In this program families came together once a week for eight weeks, joined by the principal and volunteer teachers. The evening started with a communal meal, with families taking turns providing the main course for the group, and children serving their parents. After dinner the children went to the gym or a classroom for various kinds of activities with the teachers, while the parents participated in a parent support group. The children then rejoined their parents for "special play," a concentrated time of one-on-one child-directed play. And the evening ended with a gift basket for the family who would make the meal the following week. 

It was a wonderful program, and it was so special to see an increase in the children's comfort level in the school, and an improvement in the bond between parent and child. Not only did the program build connections between families but also led to more parent involvement in both the school and the community.

During the last week of the program, which happened to be my first week of recovery, I was preparing a gift basket to thank the volunteer who was the master chef in the kitchen every week. In the process of thinking about things she might like in a gift basket, my mood improved. It felt wonderful to be doing something for someone else, to recognize their contribution. And I was so pleased that she was touched by the gift. Realizing that giving to others helped me feel better, I rewarded myself with a "circle" charm, to represent the circle of giving and receiving, which, for that day, kept me from bingeing, purging or restricting. I have since learned that in the treatment for depression one of the recommendations is to do something for someone else, because the act of giving can actually change your brain chemistry.



My teal Lucerne Recovery bracelet with the teal triple smooth leather bracelet

I first wrote about this after I was involved in a fund-raising event. Three lovely ladies, Mary Madigan, Brenda Parks, and RoseAnne Munson, who are Pandora fans - well, fanatics really - found out that another woman who had a serious illness was about to be evicted from her home, and they decided to try to raise some money for her and her family. And since all these ladies had met each other on the Pandora buy-sell pages on Facebook, their fund-raising was done by selling Pandora charms in a group on Facebook. They called the group "Pandora's Angels," and asked women to look in their jewellery boxes for any charms that they would be willing to donate. Those were put up for sale and all the income would go directly to this lady in need.

Here is what Mary Madigan, wrote on the Angels page on May 31, 2012:

It is hard to believe that it has only been a week. A week since we found out that [our friend] was in dire need of immediate financial assistance for her and her family. A week since Pandora’s Angels has gone from an idea to a fully implemented campaign. It is a true testament to the power of women. Of what we can achieve when we pull together.

The support of each and every one of the Pandora’s Angels has been and still is phenomenal. You have embraced the idea of woman helping woman so much that together we have raised $3,561.73... exceeding our goal of $3,500.00.

Here is what I wrote:

We all feel so amazing after participating in this fundraising effort, even just observing this, and part of the reason for this is chemical!  Serotonin is the "feel good" chemical in our brains, the reason some of us take antidepressants, or suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), or crave sugar or carbs - it's all about trying to raise our serotonin. Recent research has shown that a person who GIVES to another experiences a rise in serotonin, as does the person RECEIVING - even the person that just WITNESSES the giving and receiving! I wear the "open circle" charm on my recovery bracelet to remind me of the power of giving AND receiving. Thanks to all the Angels, we have all had a chemical high for the last three days!

 

We are social animals and for our race to survive we needed to interact with one another, to rely on each other. To make sure that happens, our brains are designed such that we are rewarded for our social behaviour by getting that "high." Numerous studies have shown that giving, receiving, and even witnessing acts of kindness increases the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates mood in the brain.

The usual saying is "'Tis better to give than to receive." But counter to what people might think, it is easy to be generous and GIVE to others. But, as with my friend in treatment for cancer, it is often difficult to open our hearts to RECEIVE the love and generosity of others. The open circle charm reminds me to "open your heart to the circle of giving AND receiving." Because nobody can get the "high" of GIVING without there being someone on the RECEIVING end. So I will also try to remember this lesson and when someone asks if there is anything they can do, I will say, "Yes... and Thank you!" God forbid I deny people a "high"!

The beach at the Holmes cottage in New Brunswick with lots of "skipping stones"

This charm was originally called "Indian pattern" or "open circle pattern," but Pandora recently changed the name to "skipping stones" (presumably to be more politically correct). I "just happened" to take a photo this summer on the beach at the cottage where my family would visit my grandmother every summer. It had the best smooth flat rocks, very effective for skipping stones, but I'm not sure my daughter had quite the right technique. Still good memories though.

For our Canadian Thanksgiving I had a post about developing an attitude of gratitude. If you would like to read more about the science behind the power of giving and receiving, including its affect on mood and health, please check out the publications below.

The Grateful Brain - Psychology Today (includes keeping a Gratitude Journal)
 

Boosting Your Serotonin Activity - Psychology Today

 

Practicing Acts of Kindness - Psychology Today

A review of the studies on kindness - how it boosts serotonin and immunity, is even contagious Task Force for Humanity Coalition

Pass the Gratitude: Recipe for a Happy Thanksgiving - Huff Post

This Thanksgiving develop an attitude of gratitude

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and a perfect time to start thinking about developing an "attitude of gratitude," not just on these special occasions, but as a practice, throughout the year.

One of the most powerful tools in battling my depression has been the simple act of being grateful. Many years ago (almost 20 actually - eek!) a very special friend gave me a book called "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy."

Amazon's Product Description for Simple Abundance: "With the grace of Ann Morrow Lindberg's Gift from the Sea and the wisdom of M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled, Simple Abundance is a book of 366 evocative essays - one for every day of your year - written for women who wish to live by their own lights. In the past a woman's spirituality has been separated from her lifestyle. Simple Abundance shows you how your daily life can be an expression of your authentic self."

The author, Sarah Ban Breathnach, had been on Oprah and shared the idea of doing a Gratitude Journal. After that episode the talk show queen became a big proponent of using a Gratitude Journal. Breathnach described the process as "consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life."
 

My Gratitude Journal

It's a pretty easy thing to do. You find a lovely notebook that is to be used just for gratitude and nothing else. And then you list five things you are grateful for; I write "Today I am Grateful for:" at the top of the page.

 

When things are not going so well, I have to search for things to be grateful for, like running water, or a bed to sleep in. Other times I may be thankful for someone who simply held the door for me, or hearing the sounds of Canada geese and looking up to see them flying in v-formation. Yesterday I was grateful for: 1. a message from a friend, 2. my kids doing Saturday morning chores without complaints or whining, 3. a sunny Autumn day, 4. leaf-peeking with my family, and 5. capturing this photo of the Fall colours.

Fall colours at the MacKenzie King Estate

When I first received the Simple Abundance book I did my Gratitude Journal every day for a year, and it had a HUGE impact on my mood. I found that doing this changed how I saw things throughout my day. It's like you start looking for things to be grateful for as you go about your everyday life. 

When you are depressed you tend to focus on the negative things and discount the positive; psychologists call these cognitive errors - or distorted thinking - "magnifying the negative" and "minimizing the positive." A Gratitude Journal can be a way to switch that around - noticing instead the positives in your life.

This is not a new concept, but now there is actual scientific evidence that stopping to appreciate something in your everyday life actually changes the wiring in your brain to make you happier. Rick Hanson, author of "Hardwired Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence" says we simply need to "make a concerted effort to notice those little, everyday pleasant encounters." The cool thing is that you only need to linger for about twelve seconds to make these feelings long-lasting.

Do you think that when Pandora first created the concept of their bracelets they knew that stopping (and buying a charm) to celebrate those "unforgettable moments" actually makes us happier? Please tell your husbands that there is scientific evidence that Pandora makes you happier!
 

YouTube video of TEDx Talk: Hardwiring Happiness by Dr. Rick Hanson

 

In an article in the Huffington Post, Hanson elaborates on the power of experiencing "moments" with a childlike awe, "The more that things seem fresh and new, the more that you're looking at them with beginner's mind or child's mind, that's going to increase brain structure," essentially becoming part of our lasting emotional memory.

When my children were little I took a workshop called "MindMasters." It is a research-based program that includes a series of simple and concrete techniques to help children manage stress and frustration; techniques that we can teach our own children. Mindmasters focuses on teaching five important positive living skills: relaxation (how, why and when to relax), stress control, how to find good things in everyday experiences, positive thinking, and positive imagery. These tools for life-skills were originally developed by Canadian psychologist Terry Orlick to help children living with cancer treatment, and then expanded to be used with all children. Orlick is now a well-known high performance psychologist using these same techniques with astronauts as well as Olympic athletes. (If you teach these skills to kids, they think this last part is pretty cool!) 

 

Click here to find the MindMasters (and Mini MindMasters) material, including videos, instructional handouts and sound tracks (in MP3 format) to download for free

One of the activities in MindMasters (or Mini MindMasters for children under six) is called "Treasure Hunting for Happy Highlights." The idea is that at the end of the day your child travels back through their day on a "treasure hunt," looking for "highlights" in their day i.e. things that made them happy. You can write these things on a piece of paper and put it in a special box or jar. Even better, find an unpainted wooden treasure box at the dollar store or a craft store, and have your child decorate it. For older children, of course, they can write them in a special journal. Developing these skills can be very powerful.

A few years ago I was the Lifestyle Coach for a program at our local Y, in conjunction with the Obesity Research Unit at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO). I worked with both the overweight/obese children and their parents. The youngest child in the group was six. She lived with her grandmother because her parents had lost custody through the Children's Aid Society. She was crying when she explained this to me and told me how much happier she was because she had been doing her Happy Highlights every night. She reminded me that you are never too old - or too young - to start developing an "attitude of gratitude."

This little treasure box charm reminds me to go on a treasure hunt every day for happy highlights, and to teach my children, especially my son (my "Number One Son"), these important skills. What do you have to be thankful for?

The turtle part two: advice for anxious parents

My "Number One" son - my one and only son - is what we call "spirited." As a baby the only way to calm him and get him settled was to swaddle him, to contain those active limbs and give him the proprioceptive feedback of being held. He is still energetic, extroverted, and exuberant. Do you like that? Doesn't that sound better than hyperactive, loud, and volatile? This book "Raising Your Spirited Child" was my Bible and lived on my night-side table.

 

We developed a number of strategies to help Mitchell learn to manage his mood, energy, and intensity. When he was little he needed a swing, an exersaucer and the jolly jumper. As a toddler, he had boxes to climb on and cushions to jump on - and participation in lots of sports and activities. Once he was in school we made sure he got intense physical activity every day. That helped him sleep better and behave better.

To calm Mitchell down we started by using baby-wearing and learned baby massage, and later used water play, sand play, and playdough - even baking and drumming helped. Before the kids were even a year old, we taught them sign language so Mitchell could tell us what was frustrating him - usually something taking too long, like his food! And he had a soother til he was three. As he got older he learned that reading comics, listening to music or audio-books, or colouring or drawing (on paper or himself) all helped calm him down.


The many moods and faces of Mitchell

When Mitchell was in grade 2 we started seeing alot of anger and frustration at home, even more so than usual. So we had a psycho-educational assessment done. The psychologist said, "Mitchell is gifted in many areas. He doesn't have ADHD, but he does everything at a fast pace. He needs to learn how to slooooooow down." Hmmm where have we heard THAT before? She also recommended a book called, "The Explosive Child." I kid you not! Funniest thing was... I already had it!

We learned from that book how to use collaborative problem-solving and we had some counselling for Mitchell - and some for us. Turns out much of the anger and frustration issues that we witnessed were covering up a lot of anxiety and were really problems with his teacher and principal at school. It just about broke my heart when my little seven-year old boy said, "Mommy, I feel like they think I'm a bad kid." And his teacher said, "I've taught kids like him before."


Some of the strategies we used to help Mitchell

With only a few months left in grade 2, we moved him to a new school - immediately! To a school with a more current approach to education and discipline. After two weeks at the new school Mitchell told the psychologist, "I feel like the teachers and principal listen to me." Mission accomplished! And he blossomed.

Mitchell has done a lot of work in the last 6 years: finding ways to meet his need to move his body, learning how to control his temper, and finding ways to express his intense emotions and reactions effectively and respectfully - the majority of the time anyway. Lately Mitchell's been working on facing some fears and our job as parents is to give him lots of reassurance, but more importantly to show him that we KNOW he can handle it.

It reminds me of a scene from the movie "Finding Nemo." Nemo's nervous and over-protective father Marlin has been watching the turtle parents playing what I'm sure he considered high-risk games with their young. When a young sea turtle named Squirt gets thrown out of the EAC (East Australia Current) Marlin wants to chase after Squirt. But Crush, Squirt's surfer-talking papa turtle, stops Marlin and says, "Whoa! Kill the motor Dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo."

 

YouTube Video from Finding Nemo: Squirt gets thrown out of the EAC

 

When Squirt returns, saying, "That was so cool!" and excitedly (and repeatedly) asking if his dad saw him, Crush replies, "You so totally rocked Squirt! Now gimme some fin!"
 

At the end of the clip, Crush explains to Marlin that turtles lay eggs on the beach and the baby turtles find their way back to the "big ole blue" (surfer-speak for the ocean). Marlin asks Crush, "All by themselves?" Who just answers, "Jy'ah!" (with a surfer accent). "But Dude," says Marlin, picking up on the surfer lingo, "How do you know when they're ready?" and Crush's response is, "Well, you never really know, but when THEY know, YOU know, y'know?"

In the movie, Marlin learns to take risks and let Nemo take care of himself. As parents, my husband and I try to be like Crush and encourage our kids to take risks and try new things, but it is hard to find a balance between saying, "we won't MAKE you do anything that makes you uncomfortable" and pushing them to go outside their comfort zone. My parents did not have the skills to help me learn to regulate my emotions. My wish is for my son to be able to manage his anxiety and not have it affect him as it has affected - almost crippled - me. My promise is to continue to practice the lessons from the turtles - "slooooow down" and "fly solo" - and pass them on to my son. And I will go back to the teachings of parenting guru Barbara Coloroso from her book "Kids are Worth It!" (I think we will post this one on the fridge.)

Six Critical Life Messages

I believe in you.
I trust you.
I know you can handle it.
You are listened to.
You are cared for.
You are very important to me.
Now gimme some fin!
(OK that last line was not from Coloroso)
 

Advice on managing anxiety - from a turtle!

This well-worn little turtle (a Pandora knock-off) was the very first charm I earned, for my first day, of my first week, of recovery from my eating disorder - with the simple goal of not bingeing (or purging or restricting). Simple, yes. But easy? No.

There are usually two things that go along with an eating disorder: anxiety and difficulty feeling your feelings. Bingeing, particularly bingeing on sweets and carbs, can raise your serotonin levels which has a calming effect on the brain. It's a way of self-medicating. Bingeing is not very good for your health - or waistline - but much tastier than Prozac. It is also a distraction from what's worrying us - or making us angry, sad, etc. - and a way to stuff those feelings down. I'm making it sound simple. It's not!

In those first few days of my recovery, I discovered that when I had the urge to binge I needed to DO something different - like deal with my emotions. Radical concept, I know! What I needed to DO was slow down my worries, and slow down my thoughts. But rather than try to control or change those runaway thoughts, I learned it was more helpful to focus on slowing down my breathing. Simple. AND easy.

Most people, when told to take a deep breath, raise their shoulders up. But that just increases the tension in the body. And what you want to do is get OUT of the fight-or-flight mode that's causing the anxious thoughts. To do that you need to do diaphragmatic breathing - i.e. pulling down your diaphragm to draw breath into the lungs, which makes the belly extend. This has traditionally been called yoga breathing or belly breathing; I have recently discovered that it is called soothing rhythm breathing in compassion-focused therapy.

It may sound counter-intuitive but the best way to take a deep breath is to EMPTY your lungs. Breathe out completely. When you think your lungs are empty... breathe out some more... and more. Then relax. Try it! The lungs naturally refill with belly breathing, but the shoulders stay relaxed. Often, three deep breaths like that are enough to slow down the breathing, slow down the heart rate, and sloooooow... down... those... thoughts. Doing meditation on a regular basis makes it easier to tap into that relaxation response more quickly when needed.

Early in my recovery I participated in an eating disorder group therapy session through an organisation in our city called Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. Actually I attended for quite some time BEFORE I was really ready to manage my bingeing - there was a lot to learn! The counsellor in that group was named Tauri. I wish I had a dollar for every time she told me, or one of the others in the group, to "slooooow down" - to not get ahead of ourselves. She told us she had a turtle in her office to symbolize the need to sloooooow down. So, on the first day of my recovery, in honour of Tauri, that became the meaning for the little turtle charm - "sloooooow down."

Squirt from "Finding Nemo"

As you can see in the photo, the old turtle has been replaced with an authentic Pandora turtle - a gift from my son. The first time my kids gave me gifts of Pandora my daughter gave me the little boy and girl charms. She told me that she chose those, "so you'll always have us with you and won't forget about us" - as if I ever could! When I asked my son his rationale, he just shrugged and said, "cause I like turtles, I guess."

My son Mitchell at 5 months

The turtle was originally on my Recovery bracelet but he now has the handle "Squirt" and "hangs out" on the turquoise mother-son bracelet I call "My Number One Son" bracelet. This bracelet has charms which remind me of the things I love about him, why I am so proud of him, and the funny things he has said and done over the years. But it also includes charms representing lessons that I have learned in my recovery - like "slooooow down" - lessons that I hope to pass on to my son. Our little mercurial man feels everything strongly - anger, frustration, sadness, etc. So I want to share with you how we have worked to keep a smile on this face - as you can see in the picture, he feels love, joy and excitement intensely too! Stay tuned for Part 2 with parenting advice from Squirt's Dad.

Oh, the things we can learn from a starfish!

One of the most well-known attributes of star fish (more correctly called sea stars because they are not actually fish) is that they can regrow an arm when it has been cut off by a predator - that's what I call being resilient! In the psychology of wellness and mental health, there has been a lot of research on the concept of "resilience" - the ability to bounce back. When comparing two people who had very difficult childhoods, the one who is happier and has more success in life, despite their background, is the one who is more resilient in their thinking. Some research coming out of Canada recently has discovered that you can actually TEACH resilience to children, in very simple but effective ways, reducing their risk for depression.

Some sea stars can not only regrow an arm but can regenerate a body and four other arms from a single arm that has been removed! And sea stars can intentionally drop an arm to escape a predator. Now that not only makes a sea star resilient but makes it a survivor! It's a "star of the sea", if you will (OK maybe that's a bit hokey but it reminds me of this lovely little book we used to read to the kids.)

Probably a lesser-known trait of sea stars is that they are incredibly strong - those arms can wrap around a clam or mussel and pry them open - just enough to eat them! And of course those arms can be very flexible and can take the sea star over or around most any obstacle.

The sea star clip represents my ongoing work with my 12-year-old son, who we jokingly call "Starfish" because when he has to share a bed with someone he does the "starfish" with arms and legs spreading to each corner of the bed. Mitchell struggles with anxiety, especially around sleeping, so we are working with him on being stronger, more flexible, and more resilient - in his thinking!

I "earned" the sea star charm (which, by the way, is very realistic looking) after achieving my goal last winter of getting to the gym twice a week for two months - getting stronger and more flexible. It was part of my plan for being more resilient and beating the winter blues. Going to the gym provided not only exercise but, because I was going to the Y where I used to work as a Personal Trainer, it also meant I would see people and not isolate, which often happens when I am depressed.

I approached the manager at the Y and we arranged that I would do some free workshops for the personal trainers on staff in exchange for access to the facilities. The workshops were very well received so of course that was a good boost and reminded me of what I'm good at! The unexpected bonus was that I ended up taking the bus downtown at the same time as my husband on his way to work. That allowed us to spend more time together, strengthening our relationship. So this sea star charm is on my "Gift from the Sea" bracelet, named after one of my favourite books, and will remind me to be like the star of the sea - strong, flexible and resilient - a survivor!