The turtle part two: advice for anxious parents

My "Number One" son - my one and only son - is what we call "spirited." As a baby the only way to calm him and get him settled was to swaddle him, to contain those active limbs and give him the proprioceptive feedback of being held. He is still energetic, extroverted, and exuberant. Do you like that? Doesn't that sound better than hyperactive, loud, and volatile? This book "Raising Your Spirited Child" was my Bible and lived on my night-side table.

 

We developed a number of strategies to help Mitchell learn to manage his mood, energy, and intensity. When he was little he needed a swing, an exersaucer and the jolly jumper. As a toddler, he had boxes to climb on and cushions to jump on - and participation in lots of sports and activities. Once he was in school we made sure he got intense physical activity every day. That helped him sleep better and behave better.

To calm Mitchell down we started by using baby-wearing and learned baby massage, and later used water play, sand play, and playdough - even baking and drumming helped. Before the kids were even a year old, we taught them sign language so Mitchell could tell us what was frustrating him - usually something taking too long, like his food! And he had a soother til he was three. As he got older he learned that reading comics, listening to music or audio-books, or colouring or drawing (on paper or himself) all helped calm him down.


The many moods and faces of Mitchell

When Mitchell was in grade 2 we started seeing alot of anger and frustration at home, even more so than usual. So we had a psycho-educational assessment done. The psychologist said, "Mitchell is gifted in many areas. He doesn't have ADHD, but he does everything at a fast pace. He needs to learn how to slooooooow down." Hmmm where have we heard THAT before? She also recommended a book called, "The Explosive Child." I kid you not! Funniest thing was... I already had it!

We learned from that book how to use collaborative problem-solving and we had some counselling for Mitchell - and some for us. Turns out much of the anger and frustration issues that we witnessed were covering up a lot of anxiety and were really problems with his teacher and principal at school. It just about broke my heart when my little seven-year old boy said, "Mommy, I feel like they think I'm a bad kid." And his teacher said, "I've taught kids like him before."


Some of the strategies we used to help Mitchell

With only a few months left in grade 2, we moved him to a new school - immediately! To a school with a more current approach to education and discipline. After two weeks at the new school Mitchell told the psychologist, "I feel like the teachers and principal listen to me." Mission accomplished! And he blossomed.

Mitchell has done a lot of work in the last 6 years: finding ways to meet his need to move his body, learning how to control his temper, and finding ways to express his intense emotions and reactions effectively and respectfully - the majority of the time anyway. Lately Mitchell's been working on facing some fears and our job as parents is to give him lots of reassurance, but more importantly to show him that we KNOW he can handle it.

It reminds me of a scene from the movie "Finding Nemo." Nemo's nervous and over-protective father Marlin has been watching the turtle parents playing what I'm sure he considered high-risk games with their young. When a young sea turtle named Squirt gets thrown out of the EAC (East Australia Current) Marlin wants to chase after Squirt. But Crush, Squirt's surfer-talking papa turtle, stops Marlin and says, "Whoa! Kill the motor Dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo."

 

YouTube Video from Finding Nemo: Squirt gets thrown out of the EAC

 

When Squirt returns, saying, "That was so cool!" and excitedly (and repeatedly) asking if his dad saw him, Crush replies, "You so totally rocked Squirt! Now gimme some fin!"
 

At the end of the clip, Crush explains to Marlin that turtles lay eggs on the beach and the baby turtles find their way back to the "big ole blue" (surfer-speak for the ocean). Marlin asks Crush, "All by themselves?" Who just answers, "Jy'ah!" (with a surfer accent). "But Dude," says Marlin, picking up on the surfer lingo, "How do you know when they're ready?" and Crush's response is, "Well, you never really know, but when THEY know, YOU know, y'know?"

In the movie, Marlin learns to take risks and let Nemo take care of himself. As parents, my husband and I try to be like Crush and encourage our kids to take risks and try new things, but it is hard to find a balance between saying, "we won't MAKE you do anything that makes you uncomfortable" and pushing them to go outside their comfort zone. My parents did not have the skills to help me learn to regulate my emotions. My wish is for my son to be able to manage his anxiety and not have it affect him as it has affected - almost crippled - me. My promise is to continue to practice the lessons from the turtles - "slooooow down" and "fly solo" - and pass them on to my son. And I will go back to the teachings of parenting guru Barbara Coloroso from her book "Kids are Worth It!" (I think we will post this one on the fridge.)

Six Critical Life Messages

I believe in you.
I trust you.
I know you can handle it.
You are listened to.
You are cared for.
You are very important to me.
Now gimme some fin!
(OK that last line was not from Coloroso)
 

Advice on managing anxiety - from a turtle!

This well-worn little turtle (a Pandora knock-off) was the very first charm I earned, for my first day, of my first week, of recovery from my eating disorder - with the simple goal of not bingeing (or purging or restricting). Simple, yes. But easy? No.

There are usually two things that go along with an eating disorder: anxiety and difficulty feeling your feelings. Bingeing, particularly bingeing on sweets and carbs, can raise your serotonin levels which has a calming effect on the brain. It's a way of self-medicating. Bingeing is not very good for your health - or waistline - but much tastier than Prozac. It is also a distraction from what's worrying us - or making us angry, sad, etc. - and a way to stuff those feelings down. I'm making it sound simple. It's not!

In those first few days of my recovery, I discovered that when I had the urge to binge I needed to DO something different - like deal with my emotions. Radical concept, I know! What I needed to DO was slow down my worries, and slow down my thoughts. But rather than try to control or change those runaway thoughts, I learned it was more helpful to focus on slowing down my breathing. Simple. AND easy.

Most people, when told to take a deep breath, raise their shoulders up. But that just increases the tension in the body. And what you want to do is get OUT of the fight-or-flight mode that's causing the anxious thoughts. To do that you need to do diaphragmatic breathing - i.e. pulling down your diaphragm to draw breath into the lungs, which makes the belly extend. This has traditionally been called yoga breathing or belly breathing; I have recently discovered that it is called soothing rhythm breathing in compassion-focused therapy.

It may sound counter-intuitive but the best way to take a deep breath is to EMPTY your lungs. Breathe out completely. When you think your lungs are empty... breathe out some more... and more. Then relax. Try it! The lungs naturally refill with belly breathing, but the shoulders stay relaxed. Often, three deep breaths like that are enough to slow down the breathing, slow down the heart rate, and sloooooow... down... those... thoughts. Doing meditation on a regular basis makes it easier to tap into that relaxation response more quickly when needed.

Early in my recovery I participated in an eating disorder group therapy session through an organisation in our city called Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. Actually I attended for quite some time BEFORE I was really ready to manage my bingeing - there was a lot to learn! The counsellor in that group was named Tauri. I wish I had a dollar for every time she told me, or one of the others in the group, to "slooooow down" - to not get ahead of ourselves. She told us she had a turtle in her office to symbolize the need to sloooooow down. So, on the first day of my recovery, in honour of Tauri, that became the meaning for the little turtle charm - "sloooooow down."

Squirt from "Finding Nemo"

As you can see in the photo, the old turtle has been replaced with an authentic Pandora turtle - a gift from my son. The first time my kids gave me gifts of Pandora my daughter gave me the little boy and girl charms. She told me that she chose those, "so you'll always have us with you and won't forget about us" - as if I ever could! When I asked my son his rationale, he just shrugged and said, "cause I like turtles, I guess."

My son Mitchell at 5 months

The turtle was originally on my Recovery bracelet but he now has the handle "Squirt" and "hangs out" on the turquoise mother-son bracelet I call "My Number One Son" bracelet. This bracelet has charms which remind me of the things I love about him, why I am so proud of him, and the funny things he has said and done over the years. But it also includes charms representing lessons that I have learned in my recovery - like "slooooow down" - lessons that I hope to pass on to my son. Our little mercurial man feels everything strongly - anger, frustration, sadness, etc. So I want to share with you how we have worked to keep a smile on this face - as you can see in the picture, he feels love, joy and excitement intensely too! Stay tuned for Part 2 with parenting advice from Squirt's Dad.

My Pandora journey of recovery - how it all began

I have battled an eating disorder and depression off and on for many years, but I have been symptom-free with my eating disorder for over two years now. The four years prior to that were particularly difficult with the deaths of my mother and father, and then my father-in-law. On top of that, I had a number of quite serious health problems that left me out of shape, overweight and overwhelmed - and struggling with my eating and my mood.

My first charms.

I began my journey of recovery on December 5, 2011, with the intention of rewarding myself with a Pandora bracelet and charms. I bought myself a Pandora knock-off bracelet for $5 and a number of $2 charms. I took it one day at a time and got a cheap bead every day for the first week that I was able to manage my eating (symptom-free meaning no bingeing, purging, or restricting). 

 

Each day in my first week presented something that I learned and could represent with a charm, reminding me of something specific that I struggled with or what helped on that particular day. I then got a bead each week, until the end of one month of recovery, until I finally earned a "real" bead, my first authentic Pandora charm - and the bracelet to put it on!

As you can see on these knock-off beads, the silver colour wore off. The bracelet was quickly broken. Then repaired and broken again. But I kept these beads and eventually replaced them with the real deal.

Each week thereafter I would set a goal for the week, or month, and a charm to symbolize that goal. Reminding myself of that charm - that I really, really, REALLY wanted - kept me going. When I was feeling overwhelmed, the charm reminded me of the ONE thing I needed to focus on that week, whether it was making myself a lunch daily, practicing meditation, or writing in my Gratitude Journal. I didn't always meet my goal, but I didn't get the charm if I didn't complete my assignment.

After three months of recovery I rewarded myself with the Lucerne charm - a symbol of health and recovery. I had the words "Healthy" and "Happy" engraved on the  two parts of the dangle, because the theme of what I came to call my "Lucerne Recovery Bracelet" was "I deserve to be healthy and happy!" An affirmation I still need to remember.

My recovery bracelet was my talisman, my worry beads, or my rosary. Each bead ended up having associated with it an expression or affirmation - a prayer, if you will. In the early days of my recovery I would often go through one bead at a time to remind me of my affirmations. When I felt the weight of it on my wrist, or touched it, I was reminded to think those positive thoughts. I now have a number of bracelets. Some challenges were much bigger than others, took quite a long time to accomplish, and ended up with a more expensive charm. But each charm still has an affirmation, a skill learned, or a goal accomplished.

It continues to be a struggle to stay healthy, and allow myself to be happy. Every day I choose the charm or bracelet I need to wear depending on what I may encounter or how I am feeling. Sometimes one charm will stand out as the right message for whatever situation I'm currently dealing with. Sometimes I have to go back to the basics, the things I know that I need to say or do to keep me on track. I continue to reward myself with Pandora charms, as I work on the life skills to stay healthy - in mind, body, and spirit. My charms continue to give me strength, and remind me of how far I've come and how much I have accomplished.

 

Drop and give me 20 hugs!

Apparently my ankle is pissed off! According to the physiotherapist I saw yesterday. Well, I'm pissed off too!

I hurt my foot when we were on vacation the first week of April. Since then I kept hoping that if I just rested it the pain would go away. It didn't! Stupid foot!

elegant embrace spacers and T-shirt charm

I had a very bad ankle sprain when I was in university playing on the varsity volleyball team (over 30 years ago). I tore the ligament that holds the bottom of the tibia and fibula together (the two bones in the lower leg) and tore the membrane between the two bones. At the time, the athletic therapist said I should rest (a four-letter word to an athlete) because I was at risk of developing compartment syndrome - very bad swelling in the group of muscles in the shin, limiting blood flow - and I could develop drop foot. But I was a teenager, and I was - in my mind at least - invincible, so I said, "Tape me up Coach! I'm going in!" Especially since I was playing for my province in the Canada Games!

They also warned me that I would most likely develop osteoarthritis or some other foot problem by the time I was forty. Sure enough, right at forty I had mechanical problems with my foot, had a lot of physio, and wore an ankle brace, especially if I was walking on uneven surfaces.

Now that I am almost fifty, those two leg bones are splaying apart and causing my ankle bone to get stuck. Whenever I stand or walk my ankle locks. And it is extremely painful! And I am pissed!

But calling my foot "Stupid" is not going to heal it. And admittedly I have worse names I use for this as well as various other body parts that I'm not happy with. I'll do physio, and I will learn how to tape it. Maybe I'll try underwater exercise equipment, or the latest gravity-free treadmill. Or maybe I'll have to have a big ole screw put in to hold those two bones together.

But right now I need that ankle to calm down - and I need to stop pissing it off! I need to be gentle on it, and treat it with loving kindness.

Now there's a concept! Maybe I could try treating mySELF with loving kindness! I am trying to come to terms with the idea that "I can't HATE myself to health." I've tried. Believe me, I've tried hating. It doesn't work. Beating myself up just leads to annoyance, aggravation, frustration, impatience... well, you get the idea!
 

So I thought I'd try something different - I will LOVE myself to health. It's a tough concept. But I have a charm for that! The T-shirt charm with the gold heart was one of the first charms I bought over two years ago at the beginning of my recovery. And it represents one of the most important of my affirmations: "I love and accept myself, as I am."

Pssst! I don't really but I am going to say it to myself, over and over. I will "fake it til I make it."

So what does that love and acceptance mean?

First of all, it means acknowledging the current situation, rather than looking the other way and hoping that this will go away if I ignore it long enough - aka "sticking your head in the sand", something that I am quite skilled at!  Someone suggested this is happening because I need to learn this and this injury is forcing me to accept the situation and learn to take better care of myself. Another person suggested that, like someone who is in a wheelchair, I may need to learn that I'm still valuable, even if I can't use my legs.

Secondly, acceptance means being honest with myself and accepting the fact that I am overweight and out of shape. It's not a judgement, it's just a fact. I have to find a way to exercise that doesn't involve being on my feet or bending my ankle. Chair aerobics anyone?

So my goal (in addition to not pissing off my ankle) is to try to "embrace" myself with compassion by practicing a special kind of meditation. After two weeks of daily practice I will reward myself with the "elegant embrace" spacers for my lavender-periwinkle "Serenity" bracelet.

Serendipitously, my brother came to visit last week to attend a two-day workshop on Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT). He explained the concept and it seemed to resonate with me, given my history of anxiety and negative self-talk. After seeing the physio yesterday I realized I need to learn how to do this. I'm going to practice. Because I suck at being compassionate! I should say I suck at being compassionate with myself.... I shouldn't say "I suck"... I shouldn't say "should"... Clearly I need to work on this!

I need to stop should-ing all over myself!

I'll let you know how I do.

If you are interested in learning more, or trying the practice yourself, please click on the link below.
Compassionate Mind Training podcast with guided meditation and imagery exercises

Finding motivation and building habits

mock orange blossoms

Fast forward two years from my last post and the Wildflower Walk has become an essential part of trying to stay healthy - in mind AND body. After returning home from the vacation when I started the wildflower walks (now called WW in my agenda) I decided that my objective would be to simply walk around the block - it's about half a kilometre.  It's important in setting goals that they feel achievable and a city block definitely felt do-able. I was fairly consistent with the walks, but I really had to push myself to get out the door, which I think is pretty typical of anyone trying to work on a program of exercise or lifestyle change.

Shortly after I started my walks I noticed a fabulous perfume at one point on my walk and realized it was coming from a tree in a neighbour's front yard - a tree I was not familiar with. The next time I went, I took my camera so I could post a photo of the blossoms on Facebook and ask friends if they knew what it was. The answer: mock orange - with a beautiful aroma that I now look forward to every spring!

After that I took my camera with me every time I went for a walk, and kept taking photos of flowers I didn't recognize - and quizzing people. Eventually I just started looking forward to taking photos of flowers. I would go early in the morning before it was too hot for me, and when there was softer morning light for photos. When I didn't feel like walking I was still very curious about what flowers might be in bloom that day and THAT got me out the door!
 

yellow tiger lilies

purple cone flowers

I kept up my daily walks throughout the fall leading up to the one year anniversary of my recovery from my eating disorder in December 2012. I even walked through the winter when there were no flowers left!  I actually got to the point where an early morning WW was a habit. I no longer wondered, "Am I going to have a chance to go for a walk today?" and it became deciding, "WHEN will I go for a walk?" to eventually not even wondering or deciding, just doing it. It was so automatic that when my alarm went off I just got up, went downstairs, put on my coat and headed out the door. One morning when I did this I happened to look at the clock on the stove and it said 4 am or some time ridiculously early! Turns out someone in Portugal (in a different time zone!) had commented on a post on Facebook and the phone had beeped to notify me! I obviously mistook that for my morning alarm, and like Pavlov's dog I just responded as I was conditioned to do! After realizing the un-Godly hour I just walked back upstairs and laid back down. In the morning my husband Mike was a little surprised to see me facedown in bed, dressed - and still in my winter boots!

By the way, I quickly learned how to turn off the notifications on my phone and Facebook account!

These retired gold-tipped flowers (on either side of the dangle) on my "Serenity" bracelet were the first charms I bought just because I thought they were so beautiful! But they have a very important job of reminding me that there are always moments to "find beauty every day!"

Walk this way - in the moment

This is a re-post: text and photo from April 2012

My "Flower Power" bracelet

Having recognized that I have an eating disorder, I have done lots of work on my issues and have now been symptom-free for a little over 4 months - no bingeing, purging, or restricting. One of the things that has made a difference for me is having goals and rewards. When setting goals they say you should have SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reward-based, and Timed. So I have set weekly goals and my reward has been Pandora charms for my charm bracelet - something that I am VERY motivated to achieve.
 

This past week my goal was to go for a walk every day. I am having trouble with my left knee, and with physio the pain had decreased, and so the physio told me to start walking, and do squats and side-lying leg raises. Our family was away for a week's vacation at our time-share so it was a good time to make some charges in my habits without all the stress of school, household chores, etc. The goal was to go outside for a walk every day (Specific), didn't matter how long or how fast, just go for a walk (Measurable), which seemed pretty realistic (Attainable) since I had two ten-year-olds who don't like to sit still for very long, and at the end of one week (Timed) I would get a charm (Reward-based).

The Pandora charm that I chose is called "Wildflower Walk" (second from the right in the photo). A wildflower walk to me signifies a walk that is not a power walk, or even a brisk walk, just a walk through the wildflowers. Of course given that it was the end of March, there were no wildflowers through which to walk, but still lots to see.  

I wanted to think of walking as a meditative process. No measuring of heart rates or speed or distance. To just be present and mindful of my surroundings, and as was the case last week, to also be present and mindful of those I was with, usually my twins.

In her book The Artist's Way, and the books following that, Julia Cameron suggests walking as one of her basic tools in her spiritual path of creativity. She says, "Walking, the simplest of tools, is among the most profound," and that when we walk, "we experience 'conscious contact' with a power greater than ourselves."

Well, we walked the path along the water's edge, with the kids stopping to throw rocks onto the thin sheets of ice on the lake, pick up sticks, or climb some rocks. We walked into town to the convenience store and the post office.  We walked to the tennis court so the kids could bat some balls around. We walked some roads just to see where they went. Sometimes the kids rode their scooters, sometimes they ran ahead, sometimes we walked hand-in-hand. But every day we got out and walked.

Cameron suggests that when walking, "Almost without noticing it, we become engaged with a world larger than ourselves and our concerns." Well, we noticed the temperature. We noticed the wind. We noticed the birds that had returned. We noticed the sound of the wind in the tall pine trees.  We noticed the way the rain had carved out the sand at the beach. The walking was, as Cameron describes it, "an exercise in heightened and intensified spiritual listening."
 

Now that I am back in the city there will not be many fields of wildflowers - although we do get quite a collection of weeds in our garden. But the crocuses are poking out their brave heads, and the daffodils are inching their way up. So my daily walks will allow me to observe the not-so-wild flowers of my neighbours' gardens. Somehow going for a daily "wildflower walk" - as I will continue to call them - is so much more appealing than just "going for a walk." Maybe that is what Cameron means when she says we walk to "shift" our consciousness.

Cameron promises that, "As casual as a walk may seem, profound wisdom can be its byproduct." Spiritual seekers have always walked - whether pilgrimages, walkabouts, or vision quests. St. Augustine said, "It is solved by walking." Whatever "it" is, I will continue my "wildflower walk" to help mend the mind/body split and get out of my head and into my body. And maybe fix-up my knee and get ready for tennis.

Updated: these links will take you to the Facebook photo albums of flowers I took on my Wildflower Walks 2012 and Wildflower Walks 2013

Related Posts:

Finding motivation and building habits - a story about how the Wildflower Walks turned into finding a new passion in photographing flowers and discovering a significant new affirmation - and the charm that represents it

Winter Wonderland - a story about how my "Wildflower Walks" turned into "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and how that helped me Beat the Winter Blues - and the charm that represents it.

Can you see what's there? It's a wonderland - a story about how looking around you and seeing beauty can help in the recovery from food issues, as well as healing personally and spiritually; I've also included a short piece about my mother's battle with Alzheimer's - and the charm that represents it.