Three Kings... and a clean fridge

Once again I can't quite believe I'm doing this. Once again I'm going to share with you my shame. I'm going to show you my fridge, the hasn't-been-cleaned-in-11-years fridge.

And you need to see the fridge to truly appreciate what an accomplishment it is, why it is such a huge deal, when I say, "We had adults in our house last weekend!"

And these were not "safe" adults, the few I can trust not to judge me, or judge the state of our home, but Adults-with-a-capital-A that I... had... never... met!

When we moved into our current home, we had an open house party on "The Twelfth Day of Christmas" January 6. We had painted our dining room, living room and hallways, as well as the bedrooms. The kids now had separate rooms, pink for Taylor, blue for Mitchell, as you can see in the photo below.
 

[In Jan 2007 a woman in Vancouver delivered sextuplets. Since the local paper couldn't get pictures from the family (who wanted to remain anonymous), a photographer from the Ottawa Sun came and took some photos of our "multiples", Mitchell and Taylor. This close-up photo is the one that ran in the paper.]

 
After our successful Twelfth Night party, the kids asked if we could have a party again the next year. But I couldn't manage it. That year had been just a little stressful. We discovered that our daughter Taylor was struggling in school and we needed to have a psycho-educational assessment done. Because she was only in grade one, she was too young to be diagnosed with a learning disability, but she had some processing issues, and was at risk for literacy problems, so we were advised to remove her from the French Immersion program. Three years later it was confirmed that she had dyslexia, so it was a good move.

But we were also struggling with Mitchell's behaviour at home. A psycho-educational assessment for Mitchell said that he would be fine to stay in French Immersion, while Taylor started grade two in her new English-only school. But Mitchell was struggling at school too. We discovered that he was having problems with his teacher, and the way the school handled active little boys in the French Immersion program. His anger and anxiety was spilling over at home. By March Break we knew we needed to move him as well - and get him some help. (You can read more about how we tried to help Mitchell in this post inspired by Nemo's dad Marlin) Unfortunately leaving the French Immersion school also meant the kids losing all their friends, and me losing the community that I had worked so hard to create, a community of moms, friends and families. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.



Our last Christmas with my mom, 2007

A few years earlier my mother had moved from Halifax (my hometown) to Ottawa where we live now. She was living in a retirement home not far from our house. It was a lot of work for me, not just because she was blind and had some hearing impairment, but because she had osteoporotic fractures in her spine, her collar bone, and then her hip. And because she had Alzheimer's. By the Fall of 2007 her health had declined significantly and she needed to be moved to a long-term care facility, essentially a "nursing home." Christmas 2007 was our last Christmas with my mom, who passed away at the beginning of February 2008. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.

And then my depression came roaring back. In part, because of my health. I had uterine hemorrhaging and was practically bed-ridden for two years. This is an excerpt from a previous post (you can read the gory details - that women just don't talk about - here)

My iron got lower and lower. I got weaker and weaker. I was more and more tired. I could barely walk up even the most gentle of slopes. I was unable to do anything around the house. My poor husband had to take over laundry and meals, leaving me feeling pretty incapable, adding to my depression. And it also left our home to get more and more cluttered, while my fitness level and mood kept falling.

Mitchell and his bedroom when we first moved in
and "After" a few years

And then my depression worsened. And then my father died. And then I started having panic attacks.

I thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) because the winters were so hard. I saw a specialist and he put me on some meds. When I went back to see him he said, "You feel better in the Spring right?" My response was, "Um. Not so much. In fact we didn't take down our Christmas tree." He said, "Ah. This is not S.A.D., this is a major depressive episode." He referred me to a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group where I learned about riding the wave of emotions. It was also where I first realized the shame I had about our house, and learned the strategy of just doing ten minutes, to clean up with tea cup. And then, at the end of that group therapy session, I decided I needed to tackle my eating disorder. I joined a therapy group at the Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. The therapist (who inspired the turtle charm) and the women that I met in that group made so much difference in my life. I called them my "Flower Power."

And then, in December of 2011, I started to overcome my eating disorder, using Pandora charms as my reward. And then after two-and-a-half years of recovery, I asked for help with my depression and panic attacks. And then I attended the "Day Hospital" program in the fall of 2014. And then I did six months of schema-focused therapy in the winter and spring of 2015. And then I participated in a program called "Working with Emotions" doing a program based on DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) in the fall of 2015. And then I was enrolled in a mindfulness meditation series in the winter of 2016. And since then, I have continued working on all of the skills I acquired, with support from my family doctor and a social worker.

And now here we are, in January 2018, in a house that had not been thoroughly cleaned in a looooong time. And now I realize that with all the work I've been doing I have not been writing very many blog posts.

I'm not sure when the kids stopped asking if we were going to have another Christmas party, but they did stop. We didn't invite adults to our home for many years. I was just too ashamed of how bad it got. But we've been working on our Clean Sweep for some time now, using the Hopi charm as inspiration, so this year I suggested we invite parents to our Saturday Games Night, which just happened to fall on Twelfth Night, January 6. My only stipulation was that the kids had to promise to do some major cleaning jobs on their Christmas vacation.

"Before" and "After"

One of Taylor's chores was to tidy the basement. We have done a major Clean Sweep in the basement, as you can see from the "Before" photo. (That is a story for another day.) Those plastic bins were ready for the start of our Clean Sweep. In the top photo on the far right you can just see where the futon was open after someone was here for a visit. We have painted the basement, and when Taylor tidied up, she covered the old stained futon with this bear paw quilt that my (blind!) mother made for our wedding. I thought it was quite a brilliant move on Taylor's part, so I took a picture.

When we started Games Night it was my intention to invite families, not just kids. But it never happened. We've been holding Games Night since the kids were in grade 7 and they are now in grade 11. And all those years, I was too ashamed to have adults come to our home. Shame can be very isolating.

Although it feels like we've been working on our Clean Sweep for a looooong time, the house was still VERY dirty. And I could not bear the thought of people seeing it so dirty. The kids were whining and questioning why we need to clean. Mike assigned Taylor the job of cleaning the fridge and of course she complained, and said, "Why do we need to clean the fridge?" So when she got to the part where she took out the fruit and vegetable bins, I said "THAT is why we need to clean the fridge!" and so I took a picture.



The "Before" and "After" of the fridge

Mike washed the kitchen cupboards, the range hood, and the spice rack over the stove that had a quarter-inch layer of kitchen grease and dust. I was in charge of kitchen sink, countertops and backsplashes, windows, all appliances from microwave to clothes dryer, as well as bathroom toilets, shower and bathtub. Mitchell was in charge of vacuuming everywhere as well as washing all the walls and woodwork - doors, window frames, etc. He was so surprised to see what a difference it was making, particularly the stairwell. And I said, "THAT is why we need to clean the house!" But I forgot to take a picture. Taylor had the jobs of dusting everything, including all bookshelves, cleaning the basement bathroom and scrubbing the shower floor, tidying the basement, organizing the games... and cleaning the fridge.

What did you do on your Christmas vacation? We cleaned our house and had a PARTY! And this massive accomplishment will be marked by Pandora's "Three Wise Men" charm on my "Victorian Christmas" bracelet.

 "On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

a clean house and Christmas par-TEE."

(and the three kings charm)

  

And how WAS the party you ask? Well, we had so much fun I forgot to take photos! There were 15 of us in total, including three other parents - moms. Upon arriving, the first mom said, "I wish I was one of those parents that has people over. I'm glad you are." If only she knew! I just smiled and told her, "If the kids are going to hang out with friends, we'd rather have them do it here." She was so pleased to come, and participate, because her daughter, she says, "is always so excited to come."

 

Taylor's best friend (and a friend of Mitchell's too) said, "My other friends want me to go out with them and are surprised that I'd rather come to Games Night. But it's easy here." So easy in fact that she fell asleep on the couch in the midst of the game. Her mom said, "She thinks she's part of your family." We're happy to have her.

 

As everyone was leaving, the third mom said, "I've offered to have everyone come to our house." But her daughter just waved her off and said, "It wouldn't be the same Mom." My only complaint was I would have enjoyed visiting with the other moms rather than just playing games - and maybe made a new friend - or three.

 

I've made many friends from around the world through Pandora. And I was curious when I saw people from Spain share photos about "Three Kings Day." And Puerto Rican friends said their kids would leave hay for the camels of the three kings and the magi would leave gifts for the children. Los Reyes Magos, celebrates the arrival of the three wise men in Bethlehem. In French countries - and French Canadian cities - the tradition has been to celebrate with a cake, Galette des Rois, in which a small toy was hidden, sometimes a baby to represent the three kings searching for Baby Jesus. The person who found the toy would be king and wore the crown, which luckily comes with the cake when you buy it. We gave it a try a few years ago but nobody was particularly fond of the cake, and the kids were really too old by that time to care much for wearing a paper crown, even if it was gold. But now we have a new tradition on January 6 - A Three Kings Party.

I have to say, it is getting easier to share my shame. Because I know that there are others struggling with the same things. And I know this because many of you have been in contact with me. To let other readers know that they are not alone, please comment (anonymously if you prefer) to say you can relate.

I think the other reason that I have less anxiety when I "share the shame" (that should be a hashtag) is that I am more accepting of myself and my situation, and recognizing how I got here. Accept where you are and start where you're at



Pandora stock photos

My thoughts on the charm itself: This is a nice solid two-tone charm. The details of the kings' crowns, garments and offerings are fabulous, especially the gold cross on the back. Although I have to say, up close, the hollow eye sockets are kind of freaky. Pandora always does good details like tails, backsides and butts, and in this case the feet of the three kings.


Photo from the blog Charms Addict

Maybe this year I'll work on earning the Twelve Days of Christmas charms by redbalifrog.

Photo by Paula Jackson of the blog beadsaholic
Find the link in my Blogroll

Enjoy your cheer - it comes but once a year! A reflection on St. Patrick's Day

A few years ago I decided to start a new tradition with my family for St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to make traditional Irish soda bread - and my reward for my efforts would be the retired silver clover charm for my True Colours bracelet.

But on the evening of St. Patty's Day, my husband and I were arguing (God-only-knows what we were arguing about), and my son was whining and saying, "Can't we make something else?" (you know, the way they draaaaaaw out the end of the last worrrrrrrd). I just got annoyed and said, "Fine! Forget it!" and went to my room to sulk! I needed to give myself a time-out.

With my emotional state already ramped up by the argument, I was overwhelmed with my feelings of frustration with the kids, and on the verge of having a panic attack. At that time I hadn't really learned about distress tolerance or emotion regulation, but at least I removed myself from the situation until I could calm down. Not long after, my daughter came upstairs and said, "Mommy, can we still make the bread?" She always reminds me to be resilient. She must also be lucky because she found three four-leaf clover before she was ten!

Taylor has always been quite shy, and she is often cautious when given the chance to try something new. There have been so many times when I have said to her, "Don't miss out. You may not get this opportunity again." That night, on St. Patrick's Day, I needed to say this to myself.

When you struggle with depression or anxiety, it is often the things we say to ourselves, rather than the things others say or do, that creates the overwhelming emotions that we experience. So I said to myself, "Don't miss out on this opportunity to make these memories with the kids. St. Patrick's Day only comes once a year!" I knew that if I didn't do this I was going to be really mad at myself! I also didn't want to let this ruin the whole evening. So I pulled it together. The kids each made a loaf of soda bread (with just a little direction from me). And we had some tasty Irish soda bread with dinner, to celebrate our Irish heritage. Now it's an annual tradition and the clover charm is an important reminder.

On a four-leaf clover, according to tradition, the first leaf represents hope, the second represents faith, and the third, love - the fourth is for luck. But for me this little four-leaf clover will also represent something else. It will remind me that there are things that only happen once a year, or only once ever, so "Don't miss out." I try to remember to be in the moment. To make memories. And to cherish those "unforgettable moments."



Our traditional Irish soda bread

I just realized that the Pandora four-leaf clover charm looks a lot like the cross you score into the top of the round loaf of bread! To read the traditional reason for the cross you can check out my baking blog Leonard Family Favourites, and see what my kids scored into the top of their first loaves of bread. This year the charm has the added congratulations to myself for completing the blog post about Irish soda bread in time for St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to do it in memory of my late Uncle Gordon Bingham, because the reason I started the blog was to share favourite family recipes with Gordon's children, and my youngest cousins, Alyson and James Bingham. I was pleased, thanks to Aunt Edna, that I was able to include a photo of Gordon as a teenager with his family, not long after they left Ireland and immigrated to Australia. You'll find recipes for three versions of the bread and some photos of how we like to eat it. You won't believe how quick and easy it is to have warm homemade bread, fresh from the oven. Our picky eater Taylor even likes it!


A bracelet made just for St. Patrick's Day this year.
On my Essence bracelet the "prosperity" charm provides a focal point.

I have been reminded that not all of my readers know the names of every charm Pandora ever produced (as I do) so I thought I would list the names of the charms on this new bracelet I made just for St. Patrick's Day; clockwise from the top: birds of a feather; love, hope and faith; moss; clover; leaf spacer; green fascinating murano; tree of life; fireworks (or starburst) clip; wildflower murano; roses spacer; celebration; unicorn dangle; world peace; roses spacer; wildflower murano; fireworks clip; wise owl; green fascinating murano; leaf spacer; cathedral ceiling; family tree; sun, moon and stars; and elemental flow clip.

In case you're wondering why I have the unicorn dangle on my St. Patrick's Day bracelet, it's because of this favourite song from my childhood, sung by a Canadian group of Irish immigrants; they called themselves The Irish Rovers. Their first hit "The Unicorn" was from a song originally written and recorded by Shel Silverstein, author of the famous book "The Giving Tree." The Irish Rovers TV show was a staple in my home while I was growing up. When I think "Irish," this song about the unicorns always comes to mind.

You Tube video of "The Unicorn" by The Irish Rovers with lyrics

 

 

Related Posts:

A little girl and an egg remind me to celebrate - a story about an interesting observation about my daughter and the insight it taught me.

When your brain and body scream 911 - a story about my introduction to the idea of "wise mind"  and the "threat system," and the reason for intense emotions.

Will he always love me? My explanation of panic attacks - a story about the origins of schema-focused therapy. A rather long post but my explanation of panic attacks.

Managing emotions means learning to surf - a story about emotions coming from the fight-or-flight response, and managing intense emotions by learning to "ride the wave."

When your brain and body scream 911

The strangest thing happened a few weeks ago. I had this very unfamiliar feeling. My daughter had just left for her 3-day camping trip in a provincial park 3 hours from home. And my son was 3 hours away in the other direction at a cross country meet, and not due back until the evening. My kids were 100% someone else’s responsibility that day. I thought, “What is this strange feeling?” (Actually I asked the question on Facebook.) In hindsight, if I had to hazard a guess, I would say I felt calm. Huh. How unusual. I was not feeling anxious, vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I looked around me and felt happy!

The teal "Flowers for You" muranos.

I have to say this recent development is quite hard to believe, especially if I look back just a few years. And I want to share with you how I got here. If you or anyone you know battles anxiety or depression please read on – and share this post – because there is hope and there is help.

In April of 2014 I went to my family doctor and asked for help. He asked me lots of questions about my history: I had an eating disorder in high school and beyond, I’d had a number of major depressive episodes, and despite being in recovery from my eating disorder for a few years, I was having panic attacks. He felt that my case was quite complex and so he referred me to the Shared Care Mental Health Team, a group of mental health professionals that provide consultation to family practitioners in the Family Medicine Centres associated with the hospitals in the city.



My daughter Taylor, home from her canoe camping trip





My son Mitchell at the end of his run in a local cross country meet

 

I first met with the mental health nurse and then in July of 2014 I met with Dr. Mercer, the psychiatrist with the Shared Care Mental Health Team. After reviewing the notes from the mental health nurse and asking me lots of questions she diagnosed me with Panic Disorder (PD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). We discussed the possibility that I have PTSD and ADD but she did not have time to formally assess for that. Of course I was already in recovery from my eating disorder. You can read my post about how I started my recovery - and my journey with Pandora - in December 2011.

The teal muranos on my Lucerne Recovery bracelet.
The two teal "Flowers for You" muranos are on the top right.

Dr. Mercer then explained to me WHY I had depression and anxiety. I think my jaw must have hit the table, because I was so shocked that she could describe me so accurately, especially since we’d just met. In fact I was so gobsmacked that I didn’t write down a single note – very unusual for me! Later, when I got home, I realized I couldn’t remember all that she had said and I desperately needed to know! I called her office and begged the receptionist to let me speak to her – not usually part of the normal course of events – and here’s what she explained to me.

“You’ve been living in the 911 system. We have two different emotion systems (psychologists actually identify three, but for simplicity we use just two). One is called the “Affiliative System” (which we call “Wise Mind”) where you feel emotions like joy, happiness, or disappointment. The other is the “Threat System” (often referred to as fight or flight, or 911) and there are only three emotions when you are in 911: anger, fear, and shame.

Some people are wired to 1. have more intense responses of anger, fear or shame and 2. have a stronger “preference” for the “safety system.”

When you grow up in a stressful home it puts a lot of stress on a child, which increases the levels of the stress hormone cortisol and strengthens the 911 system.

Your mom was busy and not available – and not effective at dealing with emotions. And your dad was expecting you to take care of him. This led to high anxiety and perfectionism to try to prevent your parents from fighting.

The eating disorder was a way to damp down the anxiety and find a way out of the conundrum of feeling responsible to get control of your life and regulate your emotions.

Getting depressed in university when you were injured (and couldn’t play volleyball), as well as getting depressed after your wedding, was linked to a sense of not knowing how to make everything work – so the 911 system kicked in.”

There you have it. That’s me in a nutshell. That’s the explanation of why I am the way I am. Or was.

 

Dr. Mercer reassured me that the “Wise Mind” system is always there, even if we’re not using it at the moment. And she reassured me that it was starting to engage: I was making improvements in our home (see my post about tackling the mess in our kitchen) and I was doing behaviour activation – making changes in my behaviour – and earning my Pandora rewards.

She advised me to remember that anxiety is about trying to make something work. She said, “Stay with the anxiety and know that it can’t cause any harm.” Tall order, that!

Dr. Mercer was able to make some recommendations about where I should go from there. She recommended another anti-depressant, vitamin B12 supplements, and a sleep study, as well as referring me to the "Day Hospital" program.

 

I was followed by the mental health nurse from Shared Care until I entered the Day Hospital program in September of 2014. You can read my post from September 2014 to see how I was feeling right before I entered the intensive (full-day, six-week) Day Hospital program - when I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy and healthy.

Day Hospital lived up to its description as “intensive” with a daily psychotherapy group with a psychiatrist and social worker. There were also workshops on goal-setting, identifying and expressing feelings, stress management and coping skills, and cognitive behavioural change (CBC). There was an introduction to anger, grief and loss, the drama triangle, mindfulness, and core beliefs. I had one-on-one appointments with the social worker and psychiatrist and worked on CBC one-on-one with the occupational therapist. On my discharge from that program the staff recommended that I find a therapist to work with, asking specifically for someone who could help me with emotion regulation and changing my core beliefs.

In January 2015 I started six months of schema-focused therapy at the Ottawa Institute of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy addressing my core beliefs. In those six months I learned how to identify my (many) triggers and change my feelings and responses. This made an enormous difference with respect to anger and anxiety. In the Fall of 2015 I participated in an eight-week group therapy program called “Working with Emotions,” based in part on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). The goal of this group was to learn emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, core mindfulness, and distress tolerance. And finally, in the winter of 2016, I participated in an eight-week course called “Mindfulness for Stress and Symptom Management” at the Ottawa Mindfulness Clinic and began a regular meditation practice.

 

An early version of my Lucerne Recovery bracelet,
 with only one "Flowers for You" murano.

I learned soooooo much in all of these programs that I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago when I first asked for help. Two years ago I had no idea there were all these different therapies available. Back in my twenties and early thirties, I had years of psychotherapy for my depression, eventually going off the antidepressant when I was pregnant with my twins in 2001. I was in group therapy for years at The Eating Disorder Clinic. But in the last fifteen to twenty years there have been so many advances in the treatment of mental health, so many new approaches to recovery.

Two years ago I didn’t understand that I was suffering. I did not understand that I was in survival mode. I did not understand that I had no hope for the future, no dreams or ambitions. I did not understand that I was not living a life worth living. After all that work I can look around me now and feel happy. I now have desires. I now have hope. I now know where to get help if I need it. And most importantly I believe that I deserve to feel better.

For others who live with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, or any other mental illness, please know that there is hope. If you are suffering, please know that there is help. Ask for it! You deserve to be at peace with yourself and the world, and to live a life worth living.

 

How I "stack" my teal Lucerne Recovery bracelet.

I’ve shared in a previous post that the teal “Flowers for You” murano was my reward for taking care of my health. I spin it and say “Flowers for Me!” every time I take a step towards improving my physical health. Well, now I have a second murano, my reward for asking for help with my mental health. Every time I take a step towards improving my mental health – to celebrate my efforts – I congratulate myself, give this murano a spin, and say, “Flowers for Me!”

I have been doing so much work on my mental health in the last two years that I haven’t really had time to write about it as often as I would have liked. But I’m trying to change that. So stay tuned for more stories, insights, strategies, and behavioural change.

 

So many charms, so many stories

Related Posts:

A post where I first mention this idea of "living a life worth living," and the power of intention. We worked on this in "Working with Emotions" using a book based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

A post about managing intense emotions by learning to "ride the wave."

A post explaining that sometimes, when things get rough, you need to "just keep swimming" or "just float."

A post about the origins of schema-focused therapy. A rather long post but my explanation of panic attacks.

A post about my first Mii bracelet with the stone of strength for exhaustion, depression and panic attacks.

Clean up with the tea cup

I can’t quite believe I’m doing this. This has been one of my hardest blog posts to write because I’m sharing with you my shame. I’m not a hoarder. Really, I’m not! But you might not believe me when you see the “Before” photos from our home. With the help of the little tea cup charm I can now share with you some “After” photos and tell you how I got there.

 

The tea cup and other novelty/animal charms on my all-silver bracelet with my Pandora timebead

 

I recently completed a makeover of our Sunporch, and I’ve been sharing some photos on Facebook. But you can’t truly appreciate my accomplishment unless you know where I started from, and how far I’ve come.

A number of years ago I participated in a group therapy workshop for people with anxiety and depression. It was based mainly on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (aka CBT). I was severely depressed after my mother’s death. I couldn’t function. I didn’t get anything done. And our house was a disaster! 

Our basement TV room

In the group therapy, the psychologist asked me what ONE thing I could do to make things more manageable. I said, “Do the dishes.” So that was my goal for that week. There was one stipulation. The dishes were the ONLY thing I could do. And a very interesting thing happened.

 

Our kitchen "Before"

Over the next week, doing my homework, I noticed that every time I entered a room in my home, two things would happen. First, I would notice all the things that needed to get done, and get very overwhelmed. And the second thing? I would start beating myself up because our house was a disaster. You may be familiar with this concept of beating yourself up; we sometimes call it “naming, blaming and shaming.” It goes something like this, “OMG, I am so… (insert label of your choice).” For me it was usually criticism of myself, “I am so disorganized,” or “I am so lazy.” But it could also be criticism of our home, or the situation, “Our house is so messy!” “This is disgusting.” “How embarrassing!” Well, you get the idea. In fact, I was so ashamed of living like this – so ashamed of myself – that no adults came into our house for years. Yes, you read that correctly: YEARS!

Mitchell's bedroom

Over the next week, every time I entered a room in my home, and those negative thoughts came up – as they inevitably would – I would say, “The only thing I need to do is wash the dishes.” I could give myself a break; I didn’t need to deal with ALL the things that needed to get done, right this moment – or even this week. I would remind myself, “I’m not ALLOWED to do anything except the dishes.” So my go-to phrase was simply, “Just do… the dishes.” Not quite the Nike ad, but it worked for me.

A clean stove-top

I washed the dishes. It took quite a while. And the mess came back, repeatedly. But what I realized with this exercise was that just focusing on one accomplishment at a time allowed me to turn off – or at least ignore – all the other critical chatter in my brain. A number of years later, when I was really ready to tackle my depression and eating disorder, I used this same approach. I would use a Pandora charm to focus on the one thing I need to do this week, to earn that charm. The goal could be to plan and prepare myself a lunch, to earn the picnic basket charm. When I would enter a messy room, I could say to myself, “Nope, we are just focusing on making lunches this week.” You can go here to read more about the beginning of this journey with Pandora and my earliest charms. I have discovered that Pandora charms are VERY motivating to me.

The master bedroom before the Clean Sweep

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focuses on changing your thoughts as well as your behaviours. If you haven’t read my post about the problem with “should” statements, i.e. “shoulding all over yourself,” please go take a look here. In examining your thoughts, you can start to see what they call cognitive distortions or cognitive errors – errors in your thinking. You may have already noticed some of these in the previous paragraphs. People with depression and/or anxiety often overestimate how long something will take and how difficult it will be. In CBT this is called “maximizing.” If you hear yourself using words like terrible, awful, disgusting, scary, horrendous or sickening, then you are falling into this trap. Our grandmothers may have said it was, “making a mountain out of a molehill.” I was expending a lot of energy anticipating how hard it would be or how long it would take. When we are caught up in this kind of thinking, we also underestimate our ability to handle something, and the energy we have to do the required task. This is called “minimizing.” Sometimes these tendencies are referred to as using a "negative filter."

 

I have a friend, who also battles depression, and she sent me an email last year that illustrates this point. “These last few years,” she wrote, “it feels like life is so fast I can hardly catch my breath, let alone do the basic stuff of life to keep the family going. Not sure how to get off this treadmill into something more closely resembling my idea of how to live. What kind of crazy life is it that it is too busy to even go out for a short cup of tea?” Sound like maximizing to you? It’s now one year later and we have yet to go out for a short cup of tea. That’s why I use the tea cup charm to represent this battle.

 

 

This problem of feeling “overwhelmed” is a common theme in a lot of the things I’m working on. The thoughts would be, “There’s too much to do. I’ll never get this finished.” According to my notes from that CBT program, challenging these cognitive distortions is a powerful way to counter perfectionism, curb procrastination and relieve depression and anxiety. The prescription for this tendency to maximize and minimize, or use a negative filter, is to describe people or events with more accurate language. This is sometimes called a “balancing statement,” with alternative not-so-negative thoughts. Instead of saying our house is a disaster or disgusting, I can say, “Our house is messy. We are working on getting it cleaned up.” This is describing something without judgement or emotion. It’s just a fact and less harmful.

"We are working on it"
A photo celebrating the Clean Sweep of our bedroom;
turns out the afternoon sun is beautiful on the hardwood floors

I also challenged the thought that it would take "forever." I timed myself. In my work as a personal trainer, people often ask if they should exercise if they are sick or they just don’t feel like exercising. I tell them to give themselves permission to just do 10 minutes. If, after 10 minutes, you feel worse with your cold, or you still don’t feel like exercising, you can stop. Of course once someone has started a workout, either strength-training or walking/running, they usually don’t want to stop after 10 minutes. But they CAN; they give themselves permission. Doing 10 minutes of exercise three times a day is just as helpful, with respect to improving your health or managing your weight, as doing 30 minutes of continuous exercise. Ten minutes can make a big difference. So now I apply this to the kitchen. It doesn’t seem to matter how messy the kitchen gets, it usually only takes me 10 minutes to dig through the mess and find the kitchen counter.

Challenging the negative thoughts about myself is another solution. A very wise friend of mine, who I worked with a long time ago, heard me say, “I am so disorganized!” She challenged me on that and said, “You’re actually good at organizing, you just don’t enjoy maintenance.” That statement is more accurate and not as judgemental or shaming.

At the beginning of the school year, in September, I said I was going to stay on top of the dishes – despite the fact that maintenance is boring. It’s now July. The kids just finished their school year. And I can say, “I did it.” I stayed on top of the dishes for a whole school year.

A recent photo of the kitchen counter

If I come in the kitchen and see this (above), I remind myself, “Just do the dishes. Just do 10 minutes.” That’s what the little tea cup charm reminds me. And that’s how I tackled our Sunporch fix-up last month: just 10 minutes at a time. The whole makeover cost me just $100



The Seven Steps to a New Sunporch:

In our ongoing Clean Sweep it was time to freshen up our Sunporch. This is a small glassed-in porch on the back of our home and a thoroughfare to our back door that enters onto our kitchen. We never use the front door, and anyone who's been to visit once, knows to come to the back door the next time. This room stores everything from sports equipment to rain boots, recycling bins to sun hats, and everything needed for outdoor dining. But it's also a nice place to sit outside. Mike will sit in the wicker chair while he's got something on the stove or in the evening reading. I sit out there when I take a break during the day, and I love to sit here and listen to the sound of rain coming down.

So here’s the “Before” photo of our Sunporch: with outgrown sandals and boots, leftover birthday cake from November, lots and lots of cobwebs, blankets and towels for fort building. There was a homemade bow and plastic straw arrows (from Taylor's Hunger Games phase), wooden guns and homemade swords and whacking tools (from Mitchell's Live Action Roll Playing i.e. LARPing phase) and a bat and lacrosse sticks (from Mike's must-have-every-variety-of-sports-equipment phase). FYI one of these people will likely never outgrow this phase.

NOTE: If you've seen these photos already you can scroll to the bottom to see the most dramatic "Before" and "After" pics.

 

I started with planning the theme and shopping. For the wicker chair I wanted a new seat cushion with a pillow for a backrest. An area rug to make it feel like a room and to cover the stained cement floor. And the blue IKEA doormat to replace the coir mat that's been there since we moved in 8 years ago, and was here for God-knows how long before that. And finally, a shower curtain to cover the shelves.

 

Unfortunately, when we got to Pier 1, we discovered that I'd done my research with US prices. The seat cushion I thought was on sale for $20 was no longer on sale and cost $48 dollars! And the shower curtain from Canadian Tire was the icky plastic kind. So back to the drawing board.

Take 2: Inspired by the photo with the wicker furniture (below), I found a reversible seat cushion at Pier 1 (on sale) with an IKEA cushion and cushion cover (for a great low price) for the back rest. And I found a different shower curtain at Canadian Tire that matches the new navy 3' x 4' area rug from Home Depot, and the cobalt door mat from IKEA.

 

Stock photos

The material for the seat cushion is much nicer in real life.

Step 1 removal of cobwebs and dirt: Windows were cleaned and everything washed. This ceramic sun was "Made by The Blind Lady" as her labels said (i.e. my mom). She did this in a pottery class for blind people in Halifax.

Step 2 sorting sports equipment (and power-washing the milk crates): Rarely used skateboards and lacrosse sticks were relocated to the garage, wooden guns were put away, swords and other weapons were discarded (except for T's bow). The containers are now filled with the frequently used basketball, football, tennis balls, road hockey and ice hockey pucks, skipping ropes, Frisbees, etc. The coolers were washed. Knee and elbow pads and wrist guards were organized and stored with rollerblades and then moved to the garage. The rugby ball, that won't fit anywhere else, has gone to the top of the shelves. 

 

Step 3 the screen door: It was cleaned (it could probably do with a quick slap of paint - maybe next year) and I replaced the screen myself. #girlswithtools

 

Step 3 the screen door, part 2: Discover that the screen meant to keep flying creatures out and cats in, does not keep cats DOWN! This is Estavon, the older of our two cats, and by far the more curious, fearless and adventuresome.

 

She literally looks like a monkey - and she's waving!

A rare occurrence - for two reasons! 1. Someone is using the new and improved Sunporch before it's even finished and 2. Mitchell is reading a book!

 

Step 4 flooring: The cement floor of the Sunporch was pretty nasty and I couldn't get it clean. I'm sure there is some chemical that would work but I didn't want to take that route. I’ve since been told I could paint the cement floor. But for now it is covered by a 3' x 4' indoor-outdoor area rug in a dark navy for $15, plus a small dark blue mat from IKEA for only $1.50

 

Step 4 flooring cont'd... I saw this IKEA cobalt blue door mat online and loved it. Then I decided I would drive myself crazy if it got dirty, so I gave up on the idea. Once we actually went to IKEA I discovered it isn't a pile carpet but made like a plastic scouring pad. Every time I open our kitchen door to leave the house there is this blue bolt of happiness. It has been bare-foot-tested – and Taylor's nail polish matches.

 

 

Step 4 flooring cont'd... since we don't have a cottage or a boat, I thought I'd make our Sunporch feel like it looks out on a beach in Nova Scotia, even though it just looks out on our backyard. I've added some rocks from the beaches of the South Shore of NS, and to welcome people to our little oasis in the city, a door mat that reminds me of weathered homes and fishing shacks.

 

 

 

 

Step 5 finding a place for everything, and everything in its place: basket for clothes pins with a collection of enamelware; rain boots/shoes, biking boots and Crocs, with a new bucket for umbrellas; stuff for outdoor entertaining; gardening tools, watering can, and a basket for gardening gloves; a shelf for beach towels, swimsuits and paraphernalia; and a rack for BBQ tools, bike locks and a bow.

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

Step 6 disguising the shelves: Although the shelves look better now that they are organized (above), I liked the idea of eliminating the clutter and making the space more visually appealing by hiding all the stuff. It’s too bad I didn’t cover the recycling bins, but that wouldn’t really be convenient. And if the helmet hooks aren't visible they won't be used! I took this shower curtain (the fabric kind) and attached it to the shelves with screws. Each screw held two holes normally meant for the shower curtain hooks. And I sewed the pleated edges along the top seam to make sure the holes were hidden. I’m so pleased with how it turned out.

 

"Moroccan tile" shower curtain material

 

 

The little green table is a plastic folding table;
it goes well with the new seat cushions.

 

 

 

Step 7 spray paint the white wicker chair: Mitchell wanted to try spray-painting; these are pics of his Ninja spray-painting posture. When I sprayed, he kept telling me I was "too close." When he was spraying, I would say, "remember, broad sweeping strokes." We were like an old married couple bickering. We first tried it on an inconspicuous spot, on the bottom, but by the time we finished the underside, back, and outside of the chair we ran out of paint. The next day I finished it and couldn’t believe what a difference it made!

 

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for more make-overs of our bedroom, basement and kids' rooms, and my Pandora rewards.