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| The teal "Flowers for You" muranos. |
I have to say this recent development is quite hard to believe, especially if I look back just a few years. And I want to share with you how I got here. If you or anyone you know battles anxiety or depression please read on – and share this post – because there is hope and there is help.
In April of 2014 I went to my family doctor and asked for
help. He asked me lots of questions about my history: I had an eating disorder
in high school and beyond, I’d had a number of major depressive episodes, and despite
being in recovery from my eating disorder for a few years, I was having panic
attacks. He felt that my case was quite complex and so he referred me to the Shared
Care Mental Health Team, a group of mental health professionals that provide
consultation to family practitioners in the Family Medicine Centres associated
with the hospitals in the city.
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| My daughter Taylor, home from her canoe camping trip |
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| My son Mitchell at the end of his run in a local cross country meet |
I first met with the mental health nurse and then in July of 2014 I met with Dr. Mercer, the psychiatrist
with the Shared Care Mental Health Team. After reviewing the notes from the
mental health nurse and asking me lots of questions she diagnosed me with Panic
Disorder (PD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Social Anxiety Disorder
(SAD). We discussed the possibility that I have PTSD and ADD but she did not
have time to formally assess for that. Of course I was already in recovery from
my eating disorder. You can read my post about how I started my recovery - and my
journey with Pandora - in December 2011.
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| The teal muranos on my Lucerne Recovery bracelet. The two teal "Flowers for You" muranos are on the top right. |
Dr. Mercer then explained to me WHY I had depression and anxiety. I think my jaw must have hit the table, because I was so shocked that she could describe me so accurately, especially since we’d just met. In fact I was so gobsmacked that I didn’t write down a single note – very unusual for me! Later, when I got home, I realized I couldn’t remember all that she had said and I desperately needed to know! I called her office and begged the receptionist to let me speak to her – not usually part of the normal course of events – and here’s what she explained to me.
“You’ve been living in
the 911 system. We have two different emotion systems (psychologists actually
identify three, but for simplicity we use just two). One is called the
“Affiliative System” (which we call “Wise Mind”) where you feel emotions like
joy, happiness, or disappointment. The other is the “Threat System” (often
referred to as fight or flight, or 911) and there are only three emotions when
you are in 911: anger, fear, and shame.
Some people are wired
to 1. have more intense responses of anger, fear or shame and 2. have a stronger
“preference” for the “safety system.”
When you grow up in a
stressful home it puts a lot of stress on a child, which increases the levels
of the stress hormone cortisol and strengthens the 911 system.
Your mom was busy and
not available – and not effective at dealing with emotions. And your dad was
expecting you to take care of him. This
led to high anxiety and perfectionism to try to prevent your parents from
fighting.
The eating disorder
was a way to damp down the anxiety and find a way out of the conundrum of
feeling responsible to get control of your life and regulate your emotions.
Getting depressed in
university when you were injured (and couldn’t play volleyball), as well as
getting depressed after your wedding, was linked to a sense of not knowing how
to make everything work – so the 911 system kicked in.”
There you have it. That’s me in a nutshell. That’s the
explanation of why I am the way I am.
Or was.
Dr. Mercer reassured me that the “Wise Mind” system is
always there, even if we’re not using it at the moment. And she reassured me
that it was starting to engage: I was
making improvements in our home (see my post about tackling the mess in our kitchen) and I was
doing behaviour activation – making changes in my behaviour – and earning my
Pandora rewards.
She advised me to remember that anxiety is about trying to
make something work. She said, “Stay with the anxiety and know that it can’t
cause any harm.” Tall order, that!
Dr. Mercer was able to make some recommendations about where
I should go from there. She recommended another anti-depressant, vitamin B12
supplements, and a sleep study, as well as referring me to the "Day Hospital"
program.
I was followed by the mental health nurse from Shared Care until I entered the Day Hospital program in September of 2014. You can read my post from September 2014 to see how I was feeling right before I entered the intensive (full-day, six-week) Day Hospital program - when I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy and healthy.
Day Hospital lived up to its description as “intensive” with a daily psychotherapy group with a psychiatrist and social worker. There were also workshops on goal-setting, identifying and expressing feelings, stress management and coping skills, and cognitive behavioural change (CBC). There was an introduction to anger, grief and loss, the drama triangle, mindfulness, and core beliefs. I had one-on-one appointments with the social worker and psychiatrist and worked on CBC one-on-one with the occupational therapist. On my discharge from that program the staff recommended that I find a therapist to work with, asking specifically for someone who could help me with emotion regulation and changing my core beliefs.
In January 2015 I started six months of schema-focused therapy
at the Ottawa Institute of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy addressing my core beliefs. In those six months I
learned how to identify my (many) triggers and change my feelings and responses. This made
an enormous difference with respect to anger and anxiety. In the Fall of 2015 I
participated in an eight-week group therapy program called “Working with
Emotions,” based in part on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). The goal of this
group was to learn emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, core
mindfulness, and distress tolerance. And finally, in the winter of 2016, I
participated in an eight-week course called “Mindfulness for Stress and Symptom
Management” at the Ottawa Mindfulness Clinic and began a regular meditation practice.
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| An early version of my Lucerne Recovery bracelet, with only one "Flowers for You" murano. |
I learned soooooo much in all of these programs that I feel
like a completely different person than I was two years ago when I first asked
for help. Two years ago I had no idea
there were all these different therapies available. Back in my twenties and
early thirties, I had years of psychotherapy for my depression, eventually
going off the antidepressant when I was pregnant with my twins in 2001. I was
in group therapy for years at The
Eating Disorder Clinic. But in the last fifteen to twenty years there have been
so many advances in the treatment of mental health, so many new approaches to
recovery.
Two years ago I didn’t understand that I was suffering. I
did not understand that I was in survival mode. I did not understand that I had
no hope for the future, no dreams or ambitions. I did not understand that I was
not living a life worth living. After all that work I can look around me now and
feel happy. I now have desires. I now have hope. I now know where to get help
if I need it. And most importantly I believe that I deserve to feel better.
For others who live with anxiety, depression, an eating
disorder, or any other mental illness, please know that there is hope. If you are suffering, please know
that there is help. Ask for it! You deserve to be at peace with yourself and
the world, and to live a life worth living.
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| How I "stack" my teal Lucerne Recovery bracelet. |
I have been doing so much work on my mental health in the
last two years that I haven’t really had time to write about it as often as I
would have liked. But I’m trying to change that. So stay tuned for more stories,
insights, strategies, and behavioural change.
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| So many charms, so many stories |
A post where I first mention this idea of "living a life worth living," and the power of intention. We worked on this in "Working with Emotions" using a book based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
A post about managing intense emotions by learning to "ride the wave."
A post explaining that sometimes, when things get rough, you need to "just keep swimming" or "just float."
A post about the origins of schema-focused therapy. A rather long post but my explanation of panic attacks.
A post about my first Mii bracelet with the stone of strength for exhaustion, depression and panic attacks.
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