Three Kings... and a clean fridge

Once again I can't quite believe I'm doing this. Once again I'm going to share with you my shame. I'm going to show you my fridge, the hasn't-been-cleaned-in-11-years fridge.

And you need to see the fridge to truly appreciate what an accomplishment it is, why it is such a huge deal, when I say, "We had adults in our house last weekend!"

And these were not "safe" adults, the few I can trust not to judge me, or judge the state of our home, but Adults-with-a-capital-A that I... had... never... met!

When we moved into our current home, we had an open house party on "The Twelfth Day of Christmas" January 6. We had painted our dining room, living room and hallways, as well as the bedrooms. The kids now had separate rooms, pink for Taylor, blue for Mitchell, as you can see in the photo below.
 

[In Jan 2007 a woman in Vancouver delivered sextuplets. Since the local paper couldn't get pictures from the family (who wanted to remain anonymous), a photographer from the Ottawa Sun came and took some photos of our "multiples", Mitchell and Taylor. This close-up photo is the one that ran in the paper.]

 
After our successful Twelfth Night party, the kids asked if we could have a party again the next year. But I couldn't manage it. That year had been just a little stressful. We discovered that our daughter Taylor was struggling in school and we needed to have a psycho-educational assessment done. Because she was only in grade one, she was too young to be diagnosed with a learning disability, but she had some processing issues, and was at risk for literacy problems, so we were advised to remove her from the French Immersion program. Three years later it was confirmed that she had dyslexia, so it was a good move.

But we were also struggling with Mitchell's behaviour at home. A psycho-educational assessment for Mitchell said that he would be fine to stay in French Immersion, while Taylor started grade two in her new English-only school. But Mitchell was struggling at school too. We discovered that he was having problems with his teacher, and the way the school handled active little boys in the French Immersion program. His anger and anxiety was spilling over at home. By March Break we knew we needed to move him as well - and get him some help. (You can read more about how we tried to help Mitchell in this post inspired by Nemo's dad Marlin) Unfortunately leaving the French Immersion school also meant the kids losing all their friends, and me losing the community that I had worked so hard to create, a community of moms, friends and families. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.



Our last Christmas with my mom, 2007

A few years earlier my mother had moved from Halifax (my hometown) to Ottawa where we live now. She was living in a retirement home not far from our house. It was a lot of work for me, not just because she was blind and had some hearing impairment, but because she had osteoporotic fractures in her spine, her collar bone, and then her hip. And because she had Alzheimer's. By the Fall of 2007 her health had declined significantly and she needed to be moved to a long-term care facility, essentially a "nursing home." Christmas 2007 was our last Christmas with my mom, who passed away at the beginning of February 2008. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.

And then my depression came roaring back. In part, because of my health. I had uterine hemorrhaging and was practically bed-ridden for two years. This is an excerpt from a previous post (you can read the gory details - that women just don't talk about - here)

My iron got lower and lower. I got weaker and weaker. I was more and more tired. I could barely walk up even the most gentle of slopes. I was unable to do anything around the house. My poor husband had to take over laundry and meals, leaving me feeling pretty incapable, adding to my depression. And it also left our home to get more and more cluttered, while my fitness level and mood kept falling.

Mitchell and his bedroom when we first moved in
and "After" a few years

And then my depression worsened. And then my father died. And then I started having panic attacks.

I thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) because the winters were so hard. I saw a specialist and he put me on some meds. When I went back to see him he said, "You feel better in the Spring right?" My response was, "Um. Not so much. In fact we didn't take down our Christmas tree." He said, "Ah. This is not S.A.D., this is a major depressive episode." He referred me to a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group where I learned about riding the wave of emotions. It was also where I first realized the shame I had about our house, and learned the strategy of just doing ten minutes, to clean up with tea cup. And then, at the end of that group therapy session, I decided I needed to tackle my eating disorder. I joined a therapy group at the Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. The therapist (who inspired the turtle charm) and the women that I met in that group made so much difference in my life. I called them my "Flower Power."

And then, in December of 2011, I started to overcome my eating disorder, using Pandora charms as my reward. And then after two-and-a-half years of recovery, I asked for help with my depression and panic attacks. And then I attended the "Day Hospital" program in the fall of 2014. And then I did six months of schema-focused therapy in the winter and spring of 2015. And then I participated in a program called "Working with Emotions" doing a program based on DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) in the fall of 2015. And then I was enrolled in a mindfulness meditation series in the winter of 2016. And since then, I have continued working on all of the skills I acquired, with support from my family doctor and a social worker.

And now here we are, in January 2018, in a house that had not been thoroughly cleaned in a looooong time. And now I realize that with all the work I've been doing I have not been writing very many blog posts.

I'm not sure when the kids stopped asking if we were going to have another Christmas party, but they did stop. We didn't invite adults to our home for many years. I was just too ashamed of how bad it got. But we've been working on our Clean Sweep for some time now, using the Hopi charm as inspiration, so this year I suggested we invite parents to our Saturday Games Night, which just happened to fall on Twelfth Night, January 6. My only stipulation was that the kids had to promise to do some major cleaning jobs on their Christmas vacation.

"Before" and "After"

One of Taylor's chores was to tidy the basement. We have done a major Clean Sweep in the basement, as you can see from the "Before" photo. (That is a story for another day.) Those plastic bins were ready for the start of our Clean Sweep. In the top photo on the far right you can just see where the futon was open after someone was here for a visit. We have painted the basement, and when Taylor tidied up, she covered the old stained futon with this bear paw quilt that my (blind!) mother made for our wedding. I thought it was quite a brilliant move on Taylor's part, so I took a picture.

When we started Games Night it was my intention to invite families, not just kids. But it never happened. We've been holding Games Night since the kids were in grade 7 and they are now in grade 11. And all those years, I was too ashamed to have adults come to our home. Shame can be very isolating.

Although it feels like we've been working on our Clean Sweep for a looooong time, the house was still VERY dirty. And I could not bear the thought of people seeing it so dirty. The kids were whining and questioning why we need to clean. Mike assigned Taylor the job of cleaning the fridge and of course she complained, and said, "Why do we need to clean the fridge?" So when she got to the part where she took out the fruit and vegetable bins, I said "THAT is why we need to clean the fridge!" and so I took a picture.



The "Before" and "After" of the fridge

Mike washed the kitchen cupboards, the range hood, and the spice rack over the stove that had a quarter-inch layer of kitchen grease and dust. I was in charge of kitchen sink, countertops and backsplashes, windows, all appliances from microwave to clothes dryer, as well as bathroom toilets, shower and bathtub. Mitchell was in charge of vacuuming everywhere as well as washing all the walls and woodwork - doors, window frames, etc. He was so surprised to see what a difference it was making, particularly the stairwell. And I said, "THAT is why we need to clean the house!" But I forgot to take a picture. Taylor had the jobs of dusting everything, including all bookshelves, cleaning the basement bathroom and scrubbing the shower floor, tidying the basement, organizing the games... and cleaning the fridge.

What did you do on your Christmas vacation? We cleaned our house and had a PARTY! And this massive accomplishment will be marked by Pandora's "Three Wise Men" charm on my "Victorian Christmas" bracelet.

 "On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

a clean house and Christmas par-TEE."

(and the three kings charm)

  

And how WAS the party you ask? Well, we had so much fun I forgot to take photos! There were 15 of us in total, including three other parents - moms. Upon arriving, the first mom said, "I wish I was one of those parents that has people over. I'm glad you are." If only she knew! I just smiled and told her, "If the kids are going to hang out with friends, we'd rather have them do it here." She was so pleased to come, and participate, because her daughter, she says, "is always so excited to come."

 

Taylor's best friend (and a friend of Mitchell's too) said, "My other friends want me to go out with them and are surprised that I'd rather come to Games Night. But it's easy here." So easy in fact that she fell asleep on the couch in the midst of the game. Her mom said, "She thinks she's part of your family." We're happy to have her.

 

As everyone was leaving, the third mom said, "I've offered to have everyone come to our house." But her daughter just waved her off and said, "It wouldn't be the same Mom." My only complaint was I would have enjoyed visiting with the other moms rather than just playing games - and maybe made a new friend - or three.

 

I've made many friends from around the world through Pandora. And I was curious when I saw people from Spain share photos about "Three Kings Day." And Puerto Rican friends said their kids would leave hay for the camels of the three kings and the magi would leave gifts for the children. Los Reyes Magos, celebrates the arrival of the three wise men in Bethlehem. In French countries - and French Canadian cities - the tradition has been to celebrate with a cake, Galette des Rois, in which a small toy was hidden, sometimes a baby to represent the three kings searching for Baby Jesus. The person who found the toy would be king and wore the crown, which luckily comes with the cake when you buy it. We gave it a try a few years ago but nobody was particularly fond of the cake, and the kids were really too old by that time to care much for wearing a paper crown, even if it was gold. But now we have a new tradition on January 6 - A Three Kings Party.

I have to say, it is getting easier to share my shame. Because I know that there are others struggling with the same things. And I know this because many of you have been in contact with me. To let other readers know that they are not alone, please comment (anonymously if you prefer) to say you can relate.

I think the other reason that I have less anxiety when I "share the shame" (that should be a hashtag) is that I am more accepting of myself and my situation, and recognizing how I got here. Accept where you are and start where you're at



Pandora stock photos

My thoughts on the charm itself: This is a nice solid two-tone charm. The details of the kings' crowns, garments and offerings are fabulous, especially the gold cross on the back. Although I have to say, up close, the hollow eye sockets are kind of freaky. Pandora always does good details like tails, backsides and butts, and in this case the feet of the three kings.


Photo from the blog Charms Addict

Maybe this year I'll work on earning the Twelve Days of Christmas charms by redbalifrog.

Photo by Paula Jackson of the blog beadsaholic
Find the link in my Blogroll

It's 10 PM - do you know where your children are?

In the last week of April, the headline in the local newspaper said there were 28 opioid overdoses just in the previous week. We have been receiving emails about this from our kids' high schools. The public health department and police services have been issuing warnings to the general public (see the flyers at bottom of this post). Teenagers are dying from accidental drug overdoses. It's one of the worst things you can imagine happening to your child. But how do you prevent it?

At the end of December, the news reported that another teenager from Kanata (one of Ottawa's suburbs) was found - by her parents - dead on her bathroom floor. Her parents soon learned that she'd been using drugs for six months. The authorities suspected that she had overdosed on the counterfeit drugs found in her purse, specifically Percocet painkillers, laced with fentanyl, a potent opioid about 100 times more powerful than morphine. Then there were two more fatal overdoses in Kanata in February.

Before those February deaths were even in the news, my son said everyone in his school was wearing green to school in memory of a student who had died from a drug overdose the previous day. It was all over social media #greenforchloe. We later found out her name was Chloe Kotval (you can read the newspaper article). She was just 14-years-old. The students at All Saints, Kotval's high school in Kanata, as well as high schools across the city, responded by wearing green, not because the pills are referred to as "greenies," but because it was Kotval’s favourite colour.

"These Percs have destroyed Kanata" Listen to a teen tell his story of being addicted to deadly counterfeit drugs.

It wasn't long after these tragic events that I heard my daughter's best friend Saskia say, "There's a party in Kanata tonight." Saskia now lives in that west-end suburb of Kanata. And all I could think was how grateful I felt that my daughter - and her best friend - were spending their Saturday evening gathered around our dining room table, with friends, playing board games - instead of at that party in Kanata.

And it's made me realize that this was one of the best parenting decisions we've ever made: we have opened our home to our teenagers' friends every Saturday night.

Like most parents, we have spoken to our kids about the dangers of doing drugs. But the experts say families must also consider the wider picture. Teens who have strong family attachments and community ties, who connect at school, have strong, positive friendships, social skills and religious or spiritual beliefs may be less likely to experiment with drugs, says Health Canada.

But there's this insidious problem facing our teens. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls decision-making, is not fully developed until they are well into their 20's. This makes them prone to the urge to engage in high-risk behaviours, combined with a sense of invulnerability. In the case of teens experimenting with drugs, just a little mistake can have drastic and long-lasting consequences.

"I thought I was invincible" Read about a teen opioid addict, fresh out of jail, who's goal is to help prevent this in other middle-school kids: "these dangerous drugs aren't being consumed in dark alleys, but inside homes in the sleepy suburbs."

I like to think that I was an involved parent when our kids were in Elementary School - volunteering in the classroom, reading to kindergarteners, helping with math, setting up for special events, and participating in parent's council. Mike and I even ran a family/parenting program. But it gets harder to stay connected as the kids get older.

In the Spring of their grade 6 year I enrolled my kids, and a group of their friends, in a program at the local Y. They all came to our house after school and I fed them a healthy snack. Then we took the bus together downtown. Part of the idea was to get them ready for more independence once they were in middle school, as well as learn how to behave on the bus and in the neighbourhood, and find an activity they could do after school that wasn't hanging out at the mall - or on the street corner. The unexpected bonus was that I felt like I got to know the kids much better. I felt "in the loop" and witnessed behaviours and conversations that I would not otherwise have been privy to. This all got me thinking that I wanted to find a way to stay involved as the kids got into the higher grades.

How teenagers now spend their time after dinner; 5 kids, 5 iPhones
All electronics go away when it's time to play board games!

When our twins were 12-years-old and started middle school, it was simply not cool for mom to walk you to school. I really missed visiting with other parents in the school yard, chatting with the teachers, getting to know my kids' friends, and seeing what was happening in the school. Since I couldn't see them at school we decided we would bring the friends and families to us. If the kids are going to "hang out" with their friends, let's have them do it at our house. (I wasn't allowed to call them "play dates" any more.) Thus was born "Games Night at the Hayden's Unplugged" - friends, families, and games, but no electronics.

 

Of course in my perfectionist mind, before we could invite people over for Games Night, I had to finish all the decorating, hide the piles of paper, plan and prepare delicious snacks and treats, and make the house "spic-and-span." Then, my ever-brilliant daughter Taylor said, "Can't we just invite our friends?" So *deep breath* I let go of all that planning and decided to just start!

For our first "Games Night," Mitchell's then-best-friend Elliot and his father Alan came over. They brought chips and we played an exciting card game of "Cheat," and then a very raucous game of "Pictionary." It was a huge success, and I earned this little silver dice charm for my "True Colours" bracelet. And now Saturday nights are reserved for Games Night.

Zombies, The Game of Life, and Pictionary

We still tell a story from that first Games Night. We were in teams of three, playing Pictionary, and both teams were illustrating the same thing (called an "All Play"). Whichever team guessed first would win the turn. Mitchell's team guessed first and Alan gave them the win. But he discreetly showed me what the card had said. Mitchell's team had successfully guessed "globe" and he'd done a good job drawing the earth and adding a stand to show it was a globe. The problem was, Alan's drawing was completely different, because the actual word, which Mitchell read incorrectly, was "glob" not "globe."

To get a feel for what Games Night is like in our house, check out this video on Facebook, taken when the kids were baking cookies for desert. See if you recognize the song.

This second video, taken when Mike's Mom was visiting, shows how noisy it can get. The caption says it all: "When you have pizza dinner on Games Night and there are teenagers around the table you just might end up talking about Shakespeare's Twelfth Night or singing Christmas carols - in May."

It's a good thing Taylor convinced me that we should just start Games Night, because otherwise it may never have happened. Despite all the work we have done on our Clean Sweep, our dining room seems to be in a perpetual state of disarray. It is the hub of our home, not just for meals and snacks, but also homework and crafts and projects - school and otherwise. And it is here that we gather round the table for meals and Games Night.

Originally we did not expect to feed the guests on Games Night, but dinner always seemed to be late and kids would be arriving before we'd eaten. We used to do homemade pizza but we've discovered that the easiest and cheapest way to feed a crowd (anywhere from 2-10 teenagers) is by making a pot of spaghetti and meatballs. (Don't be too impressed we're just heating up store-bought frozen meatballs). We even offer Caesar salad and garlic cheese bread if we are really organized.

When I was growing up you would always hear this question before the 10 o'clock evening news: "Do you know where your children are?" It was a PSA (Public Service Announcement) on American television, especially in the late 1960's, 70's and 80's. And I'm happy to say that on Saturday nights I do know where my teenaged children are.

YouTube video of The Simpsons

Homer Simpson watching the evening news

"Do you know where your children are?"

Some parents have asked their teens, "Do Mike and Sheila really want kids in their house every week?" And some feel guilty and insist their kid bring desert or something. Most of the guests are from friendships the kids have maintained since middle school. Some now go to the same high schools as Mitchell and Taylor, but others have moved out of the downtown. One night we had kids from five different high schools scattered across the city. Mike usually makes at least one trip to drive kids home - in the neighbourhood or further out to the 'burbs. And Yes, it is alot of work. But Mike and I gladly give that time and effort. We know that it's a very small price to pay for knowing where - and with whom - our kids are "hanging out." It also gives us the chance to get know our kids' friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. And it gives us the chance to discuss such topics as parties and drinking - and drug overdoses!


The dice charm on my "True Colours" bracelet

Related Posts:

Breakfast - the most important meal of the day, for a different reason - a story about the kind of connectedness that comes from family meals, shown to increase school performance and self-esteem, and decrease rates of depression and substance abuse.

Sing. Sing out loud... - a story about one of the best pieces of parenting advice I've ever received, from someone who was not even a parent. This is one of my favourite lessons learned from Taylor.

This Thanksgiving develop an attitude of gratitude - a story about how keeping a Gratitude Journal has had a huge impact on my mental health and why I recommend parents teach this to their children. You can also read how science explains why celebrating "unforgettable moments" with Pandora actually does make you happier.

Do my kids know they are my "treasured hearts"? - a story about my Ah-ha moment - and Oprah's Ah-ha moment - about the message we give our kids and the muranos that help remind me of how important it is.

Photo Gallery of our Family's Favourite Games
(and explanations)



My mother-in-law gives us money every year for Christmas and one of the things we always buy is a new board game, from Grammie. Sometimes Santa even adds a smaller game in the kids' stockings.

We received Anomia for Christmas 2015 and have played it almost every Saturday since. Anomia means "the inability to name objects or to recognize the written or spoken names of objects." This happens when someone has a stroke, but it also happens when you are competing to see who is the first to name something in a category like South American country, type of apple, or toothpaste brand - especially when each of you is naming something different. This game gets loud but is SO much fun!

The 5-Second Rule has nothing to do with how long a piece of food has been on the floor. It is a pretty simple game. There's a timer that makes a silly noise when you turn it over and you only have 5 seconds to list three things in the category on the card. I was very confident one time when asked to "Name three insects." I threw out a rapid-fire "mosquito, house fly and spider plant." Don't ask me why I added the "plant" - it just came out! The kids told me they wouldn't have accepted "spider" anyway because spiders are arachnoids not insects - when did they get so smart? If the first person answers in time they are given the card with the question. If you don't answer in time the next person gets to steal it, the trick being they can not repeat an answer that someone else has used. It goes around the table and if nobody steals it the original guesser gets the card. The person with the most cards at the end wins the game. One time "Name three Julia Roberts movies" went the whole way around the table with nobody being able to list three that hadn't already been named. When the card said, "Name three Tom Hanks movies," we all struggled until one girl said, "Toy Story 1, Toy Story 2, and Toy Story 3." Boo-ya!

Apples to Apples

In Apples to Apples, everyone takes a turn being the judge. The judge picks a green card from the top of the pile and chooses from one of the two words on that card. Then the other players pick a red card from their hand that they think best fits the word on that card. Sometimes it's serious, like when Taylor had the word "courageous" and I submitted the answer "Ann Frank" - everyone said "Whoa." Other times when the judge reads out the answers they are pretty funny or ironic. In this case I had the adjective "Scary" and these were the six submissions (above). Which would you choose?

 

Flip-a-gram of Telestrations:

"That moment when you hands meet in the popcorn" -

How we went from "holding hands" to "corn soup"
 

One of our favourite games is Teletrations. It's kind of a cross between Pictionary and the telephone game where you whisper a story in someone's ear, then they tell the next person, and so on. In this case you get a word or phrase and draw a picture of it. The next person, looking only at your picture, guesses what it is, the next person draws what's been written, and so on, til it gets back to you. Then everyone takes turns showing the results, which are usually pretty hilarious!

See if you can guess what these illustrations were supposed to be:

(answers below)

A.

B.

C.



Lots of laughing with this team of girls playing Pictionary
(my daughter Taylor is on the left)



After an evening of Uno my cheeks hurt from laughing so much
(My husband and kids are big fans of The Simpsons)

Answers to Telestrations examples:
A. barn owl
B. rain forest
C. North Pole

Our basement "Before"
See the empty shelves on the far right?

A sneak peek at the basement "After"
The now-organized shelves of board games