Three Kings... and a clean fridge

Once again I can't quite believe I'm doing this. Once again I'm going to share with you my shame. I'm going to show you my fridge, the hasn't-been-cleaned-in-11-years fridge.

And you need to see the fridge to truly appreciate what an accomplishment it is, why it is such a huge deal, when I say, "We had adults in our house last weekend!"

And these were not "safe" adults, the few I can trust not to judge me, or judge the state of our home, but Adults-with-a-capital-A that I... had... never... met!

When we moved into our current home, we had an open house party on "The Twelfth Day of Christmas" January 6. We had painted our dining room, living room and hallways, as well as the bedrooms. The kids now had separate rooms, pink for Taylor, blue for Mitchell, as you can see in the photo below.
 

[In Jan 2007 a woman in Vancouver delivered sextuplets. Since the local paper couldn't get pictures from the family (who wanted to remain anonymous), a photographer from the Ottawa Sun came and took some photos of our "multiples", Mitchell and Taylor. This close-up photo is the one that ran in the paper.]

 
After our successful Twelfth Night party, the kids asked if we could have a party again the next year. But I couldn't manage it. That year had been just a little stressful. We discovered that our daughter Taylor was struggling in school and we needed to have a psycho-educational assessment done. Because she was only in grade one, she was too young to be diagnosed with a learning disability, but she had some processing issues, and was at risk for literacy problems, so we were advised to remove her from the French Immersion program. Three years later it was confirmed that she had dyslexia, so it was a good move.

But we were also struggling with Mitchell's behaviour at home. A psycho-educational assessment for Mitchell said that he would be fine to stay in French Immersion, while Taylor started grade two in her new English-only school. But Mitchell was struggling at school too. We discovered that he was having problems with his teacher, and the way the school handled active little boys in the French Immersion program. His anger and anxiety was spilling over at home. By March Break we knew we needed to move him as well - and get him some help. (You can read more about how we tried to help Mitchell in this post inspired by Nemo's dad Marlin) Unfortunately leaving the French Immersion school also meant the kids losing all their friends, and me losing the community that I had worked so hard to create, a community of moms, friends and families. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.



Our last Christmas with my mom, 2007

A few years earlier my mother had moved from Halifax (my hometown) to Ottawa where we live now. She was living in a retirement home not far from our house. It was a lot of work for me, not just because she was blind and had some hearing impairment, but because she had osteoporotic fractures in her spine, her collar bone, and then her hip. And because she had Alzheimer's. By the Fall of 2007 her health had declined significantly and she needed to be moved to a long-term care facility, essentially a "nursing home." Christmas 2007 was our last Christmas with my mom, who passed away at the beginning of February 2008. So, as I said, just a "little" stressful that year.

And then my depression came roaring back. In part, because of my health. I had uterine hemorrhaging and was practically bed-ridden for two years. This is an excerpt from a previous post (you can read the gory details - that women just don't talk about - here)

My iron got lower and lower. I got weaker and weaker. I was more and more tired. I could barely walk up even the most gentle of slopes. I was unable to do anything around the house. My poor husband had to take over laundry and meals, leaving me feeling pretty incapable, adding to my depression. And it also left our home to get more and more cluttered, while my fitness level and mood kept falling.

Mitchell and his bedroom when we first moved in
and "After" a few years

And then my depression worsened. And then my father died. And then I started having panic attacks.

I thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) because the winters were so hard. I saw a specialist and he put me on some meds. When I went back to see him he said, "You feel better in the Spring right?" My response was, "Um. Not so much. In fact we didn't take down our Christmas tree." He said, "Ah. This is not S.A.D., this is a major depressive episode." He referred me to a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group where I learned about riding the wave of emotions. It was also where I first realized the shame I had about our house, and learned the strategy of just doing ten minutes, to clean up with tea cup. And then, at the end of that group therapy session, I decided I needed to tackle my eating disorder. I joined a therapy group at the Hopewell Eating Disorder Support Centre. The therapist (who inspired the turtle charm) and the women that I met in that group made so much difference in my life. I called them my "Flower Power."

And then, in December of 2011, I started to overcome my eating disorder, using Pandora charms as my reward. And then after two-and-a-half years of recovery, I asked for help with my depression and panic attacks. And then I attended the "Day Hospital" program in the fall of 2014. And then I did six months of schema-focused therapy in the winter and spring of 2015. And then I participated in a program called "Working with Emotions" doing a program based on DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) in the fall of 2015. And then I was enrolled in a mindfulness meditation series in the winter of 2016. And since then, I have continued working on all of the skills I acquired, with support from my family doctor and a social worker.

And now here we are, in January 2018, in a house that had not been thoroughly cleaned in a looooong time. And now I realize that with all the work I've been doing I have not been writing very many blog posts.

I'm not sure when the kids stopped asking if we were going to have another Christmas party, but they did stop. We didn't invite adults to our home for many years. I was just too ashamed of how bad it got. But we've been working on our Clean Sweep for some time now, using the Hopi charm as inspiration, so this year I suggested we invite parents to our Saturday Games Night, which just happened to fall on Twelfth Night, January 6. My only stipulation was that the kids had to promise to do some major cleaning jobs on their Christmas vacation.

"Before" and "After"

One of Taylor's chores was to tidy the basement. We have done a major Clean Sweep in the basement, as you can see from the "Before" photo. (That is a story for another day.) Those plastic bins were ready for the start of our Clean Sweep. In the top photo on the far right you can just see where the futon was open after someone was here for a visit. We have painted the basement, and when Taylor tidied up, she covered the old stained futon with this bear paw quilt that my (blind!) mother made for our wedding. I thought it was quite a brilliant move on Taylor's part, so I took a picture.

When we started Games Night it was my intention to invite families, not just kids. But it never happened. We've been holding Games Night since the kids were in grade 7 and they are now in grade 11. And all those years, I was too ashamed to have adults come to our home. Shame can be very isolating.

Although it feels like we've been working on our Clean Sweep for a looooong time, the house was still VERY dirty. And I could not bear the thought of people seeing it so dirty. The kids were whining and questioning why we need to clean. Mike assigned Taylor the job of cleaning the fridge and of course she complained, and said, "Why do we need to clean the fridge?" So when she got to the part where she took out the fruit and vegetable bins, I said "THAT is why we need to clean the fridge!" and so I took a picture.



The "Before" and "After" of the fridge

Mike washed the kitchen cupboards, the range hood, and the spice rack over the stove that had a quarter-inch layer of kitchen grease and dust. I was in charge of kitchen sink, countertops and backsplashes, windows, all appliances from microwave to clothes dryer, as well as bathroom toilets, shower and bathtub. Mitchell was in charge of vacuuming everywhere as well as washing all the walls and woodwork - doors, window frames, etc. He was so surprised to see what a difference it was making, particularly the stairwell. And I said, "THAT is why we need to clean the house!" But I forgot to take a picture. Taylor had the jobs of dusting everything, including all bookshelves, cleaning the basement bathroom and scrubbing the shower floor, tidying the basement, organizing the games... and cleaning the fridge.

What did you do on your Christmas vacation? We cleaned our house and had a PARTY! And this massive accomplishment will be marked by Pandora's "Three Wise Men" charm on my "Victorian Christmas" bracelet.

 "On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

a clean house and Christmas par-TEE."

(and the three kings charm)

  

And how WAS the party you ask? Well, we had so much fun I forgot to take photos! There were 15 of us in total, including three other parents - moms. Upon arriving, the first mom said, "I wish I was one of those parents that has people over. I'm glad you are." If only she knew! I just smiled and told her, "If the kids are going to hang out with friends, we'd rather have them do it here." She was so pleased to come, and participate, because her daughter, she says, "is always so excited to come."

 

Taylor's best friend (and a friend of Mitchell's too) said, "My other friends want me to go out with them and are surprised that I'd rather come to Games Night. But it's easy here." So easy in fact that she fell asleep on the couch in the midst of the game. Her mom said, "She thinks she's part of your family." We're happy to have her.

 

As everyone was leaving, the third mom said, "I've offered to have everyone come to our house." But her daughter just waved her off and said, "It wouldn't be the same Mom." My only complaint was I would have enjoyed visiting with the other moms rather than just playing games - and maybe made a new friend - or three.

 

I've made many friends from around the world through Pandora. And I was curious when I saw people from Spain share photos about "Three Kings Day." And Puerto Rican friends said their kids would leave hay for the camels of the three kings and the magi would leave gifts for the children. Los Reyes Magos, celebrates the arrival of the three wise men in Bethlehem. In French countries - and French Canadian cities - the tradition has been to celebrate with a cake, Galette des Rois, in which a small toy was hidden, sometimes a baby to represent the three kings searching for Baby Jesus. The person who found the toy would be king and wore the crown, which luckily comes with the cake when you buy it. We gave it a try a few years ago but nobody was particularly fond of the cake, and the kids were really too old by that time to care much for wearing a paper crown, even if it was gold. But now we have a new tradition on January 6 - A Three Kings Party.

I have to say, it is getting easier to share my shame. Because I know that there are others struggling with the same things. And I know this because many of you have been in contact with me. To let other readers know that they are not alone, please comment (anonymously if you prefer) to say you can relate.

I think the other reason that I have less anxiety when I "share the shame" (that should be a hashtag) is that I am more accepting of myself and my situation, and recognizing how I got here. Accept where you are and start where you're at



Pandora stock photos

My thoughts on the charm itself: This is a nice solid two-tone charm. The details of the kings' crowns, garments and offerings are fabulous, especially the gold cross on the back. Although I have to say, up close, the hollow eye sockets are kind of freaky. Pandora always does good details like tails, backsides and butts, and in this case the feet of the three kings.


Photo from the blog Charms Addict

Maybe this year I'll work on earning the Twelve Days of Christmas charms by redbalifrog.

Photo by Paula Jackson of the blog beadsaholic
Find the link in my Blogroll

On the seventh day of Christmas... winter wonderland clip

On the seventh day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... the winter wonderland clip... Santa's elves and toys... the tree of lights... Santa's stocking charm... a pair of silver bells... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.

In March 2012, after about three months of recovery from my eating disorder, I started doing a daily meditative walk. After the first week I rewarded myself with the "Wildflower Walk" charm, and called those outings my "Wildflower Walks." You can read more about this in my very first blog post entitled  Walk this way... in the moment.

And while I was on these walks, I started taking photos of flowers in the gardens in my neighbourhood. I've always done a lot of photography but usually scenery or travel, and then of course I took LOTS of pictures of my twins. But that was the first time I really took pictures of flowers. Walking went from being something I forced myself to do, to something I began to look forward to - I wanted to see what was in bloom each day as the weeks and months passed. And I posted a photo on Facebook every day. I started to see that taking these photos was good for my soul - trying to "find beauty every day."

You can see my photos in these Facebook albums Wildflower Walks 2012 Wildflower Walks 2013

 

Of course, as will happen, summer turned to fall. And I kept up with my walk every day that fall. Even when I was teaching four days a week I got up early and went for a walk - quite a feat considering how much I am NOT a morning person! And then fall turned to winter. And I realized that I couldn't really take pictures and put them in an album called "Wildflower Walk" so, on December 21, 2012, the first day of winter, I started a new album titled "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."

My goal for that winter of 2013 was to start walking mid-day, when we have some sun, and take photos over the winter - photos of things that I enjoy about winter, things that make me happy, things that help me "Beat the Winter Blues." One year later Pandora came out with a snowflake clip (in their winter collection of 2013) and they called it, "Winter Wonderland." Coincidence? Or serendipity?

And then there was last winter, the winter of 2014. Quite literally the longest winter in the past twenty years! When the end of February rolled around and I started to despair that winter would never end, I decided I needed a new project. There are two things that are important for my mental health; two things that I was NOT doing consistently last winter; and they are: 1. pursuing my passion for photography and 2. going for my daily meditative walk. So I resurrected "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."

At that time when I was bemoaning the length of our winter, my fellow Ottawa citizen (and Pandora fan) Florina reminded me of my affirmation to "find beauty every day." Because that is part of what makes my morning walk a "mindfulness meditation" - paying attention to, being mindful of, my surroundings - the light, the shadows, the shapes, the textures and the colours.

I decided I needed to accept the fact that winter was not over yet, and the fact in this part of the country we were likely to have fresh snow into April! So my goal was to go "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and "find beauty every day" - and post a photo each day for 30 days.

I thought a Pandora reward might be something to look forward to and motivate me to get back into this routine - and survive another month with old man winter. And what could be more appropriate than the "Winter Wonderland" clip? I found some pretty scenes over the next month, but I was oh so happy to see these crocuses poke through the snow.

 

Finding beauty every day March 2014

On the sixth day of Christmas... Santa's elves

On the sixth day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... Santa's elves and toys... the tree of lights... Santa's stocking charm... a pair of silver bells... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.



The Santa's elves charm beside the clasp.

I love children's books, especially those with great illustrations! So it's probably not surprising that we have a huge collection of children's Christmas books. I've given my children a new one every year for the last 13 years.

The Jan Brett books are some of the favourites in our collection, but there are also a number of books that share the biblical story, and we even have a few different versions of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. These are always read on Christmas Eve, after the stockings are hung and a treat left out for Santa and his reindeers.

One of the most requested books at bedtime reading was "How Santa Really Works." It's a very silly book showing what goes on behind the scenes in the North Pole. Elves have jobs in departments including communication, research and development (of new toys), reindeer care, distribution, etc. One very important job is surveillance and elves are everywhere, including on your Christmas tree.

Every year I look forward to reading these books to my kids! However, I must admit, I did put my foot down and refuse to read them until the beginning of December. I regret that, and wished I'd read them at any time of year, especially now that my twins are teenagers and their interest has waned. But seeing this "Santa's elves" openwork on my bracelet is sure to make me smile, remembering the joy of cuddling with my children on a cold winter's night and reading the traditional - and not so traditional - Christmas stories. This was a gift from my husband this Christmas and I'm sure it will help me beat the winter blues.

On the fifth day of Christmas... tree of lights

(You have to sing this one like the "five golden rings" in the 12 Days of Christmas song)

On the fifth day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... the tree of lights... Santa's stocking charm... a pair of silver bells... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.
 

I love Christmas lights! As a child my parents would drive us to see the most "lit up" houses in the city. And ever since I've lived in Canada's capital city I've enjoyed going for that same kind of drive, because there are lots of places "lit up" - on the government's hydro bill. In fact there are over 300,000 Christmas lights throughout the city! There's Parliament Hill of course but there are also lights in many of the parks and roadways maintained by the National Capital Commission. The program has now expanded to all the provincial capitals and called "Christmas Lights Across Canada."

One year we braved the cold and went to Parliament Hill on the evening when the lights get switched on. It was a disaster! It was chock-a-block full of people and when they switched the lights on we couldn't even see them! The kids were miserable, we were all freezing, and we swore we'd never do it again!

But last year we discovered "Alight at Night" at Upper Canada Village. The village is a historical site and living history museum, depicting life in a community in the 1860's. This time of year they have almost a million Christmas tree lights on buildings, trees and structures. You can take a stroll through the village as well as take a sleigh ride. This year we were surprised to see a Ferris wheel! And it was pretty nippy at the top on an evening when the temperature was at -18 C (around zero for those readers in the US). Next year we will have to go for a train ride.

The tree of lights charm helps me beat the winter blues by reminding me of this magical place and what is now a family tradition. As you can see from my photos, I clearly have a preference for Christ Church lit up at night.

On the fourth day of Christmas... Santa's stocking

On the fourth day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... Santa's stocking charm... a pair of silver bells... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.

Taylor, Christmas morning, age 3

I find November depressing. In the early fall both the weather and the scenery is lovely. And in the fall it's busy with back-to-school, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and then birthdays at the beginning of November - mine as well as my twins. But then in November the days are so short, the skies are often grey, and if we haven't had much snow everything on the ground seems grey too. But if I start wearing my "Beat the Winter Blues" bracelet it reminds me of one of my favourite things to do - go shopping for Christmas gifts, especially for my kids - and their stockings! Because these are the expressions (in the photo of Taylor hugging her stocking) that fill our hearts with joy on Christmas morning.


In the photo with my bracelet (below) is one of the famous illustrations by Jessie Wilcox Smith, for the original 'Twas the Night Before Christmas book by Clement Moore. Of course reading that book is a tradition on Christmas Eve, after the kids have hung their stockings and left snacks for Santa and his reindeer.


Reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve
(age 2)

Taylor hanging her stocking on the fake mantle, age 5

Our fireplace is actually in our basement so Santa has to enter there and make his way up to the main floor where the stockings are hung on a fake fireplace mantle in the living room. One year Santa left footprints on the carpet and stairs; he must have gotten soot on his boots from the fireplace. The reindeers have always enjoyed their carrots but one year they must have dropped one because we found one partially eaten in the back yard.

The kids write letters to Santa (his postal code is HO HO HO), and if we do it early enough they even get a personalized letter back from the jolly old elf himself. Traditionally a note is left for Santa with his milk and cookies and he usually sits down long enough to write a reply. We track Santa's journey through NORAD and in the morning look for signs that he has been here. I'm afraid this is probably the last year for some of these traditions since my kids are now 13, but this little stocking charm filled with toys will remind me of those special magical years, as well as help me get in the Christmas spirit - for shopping!
 

Mitchell and Taylor hanging their stockings on Christmas Eve, ages 2, 3 and 4
in our old apartment with a real fireplace for Santa to come down

On the third day of Christmas... silver bells

On the third day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... a pair of silver bells... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.

I love Christmas movies and Christmas music. For as long as I can remember, my Christmas gifts from my husband have included a Christmas movie and a CD of a Christmas album. "It's a Wonderful Life" is a classic of course, and a movie I watch every year, even if I don't watch any others. My favourite quote is, "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" That's an important message for me, to remember that I too might, just maybe, have had a positive impact on somebody, even if I don't realize it.



Don't you think the charm looks a lot like the movie version?

So the pair of silver bells hanging on my "Beat the Winter Blues" bracelet reminds me to make time for Christmas movies and music in the hustle and bustle of getting ready for Christmas. It reminds me of Zuzu, hearing the jingle of a bell on the Christmas tree, and saying, "Look Daddy! Teacher says, 'Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.'"

As soon as December rolls around I start watching those movies and listening to those songs. It's hard to be blue when you're singing Christmas carols!

This is my newest album with Zooey Deschanel, who sang along with Elf
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."

Just a few of my favourite Christmas movies

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On the second day of Christmas... polar bear

On the fourth day of Christmas...Santa's stocking

On the second day of Christmas... polar bear

On the second day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... a polar bear charm... and a clear cz pavé lights charm.

The polar bear, on my Christmas cards this year, is the quintessential symbol of Canada. The polar bear dangle reminds me that if I want to beat the winter blues I need to embrace living in The Great White North.

Bob and Doug McKenzie of The Great White North on SCTV

Although the term "The Great White North" is used in reference to Canada, for most Canadians, at least those in my generation, the term brings to mind the characters Bob and Doug McKenzie. When I was in high school there was a TV show called SCTV (Second City Television) - sort of Canada's equivalent to Saturday Night Live. The premise of SCTV was the broadcast day of a fictitious TV station with sketches featuring the likes of John Candy, Eugene Levy, and Catherine O'Hara. One of the sketches was called "The Great White North," and was a parody on Canadian stereotypes, with these characters played by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, dim-witted beer-swilling brothers, who wear parkas and tuques, and frequently ended their sentences with "Eh?"

YouTube video of The Great White North with Bob and Doug McKenzie.

But seriously, I have always loved polar bears. One of the things I have always wanted to do was go to Churchill, Manitoba and take photos of polar bears in their natural habitat.

The polar bear charm reminds me that I need to accept the reality of life in Canada - including long, cold and snowy winters - embrace it, and enjoy it as best I can. As for photographing polar bears, I have put that on my "Bucket List." In the meantime I'll enjoy some polar bears that I keep around the house - on a shelf, on the Christmas tree, and on my bracelet.

My brother worked in Northern Canada for a time and brought me back this polar bear sculpture made by a young Inuit boy

I bought this polar bear tree ornament when we were in New York City when my husband ran in the marathon in 1996

Winter 2015

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The countdown begins... on first day of Christmas

On the third day of Christmas... silver bells

The countdown begins... on the first day of Christmas

Christmas Day is almost over. Now the countdown begins! The Twelve Days of Christmas. The countdown to Epiphany, Twelfth Night, or Three Kings Day, depending on your affiliation. My goal is to post every day about a different charm on my winter bracelet, as we countdown to January 6, 2015. So here goes...

On the FIRST day of Christmas Pandora gave to me... a clear cz pavé lights charm.

I live in Canada. In fact I live in the capital of Canada, and it is the second coldest capital city in the world, second only to Moscow. We have alot of winter, for a long time, with a lot of snow. And with that comes shorter days, less light, and a tendency for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and depression, at least for me.

I started my Pandora journey in December of 2011. During the winter of 2012, my focus was "earning" Pandora charms in my recovery from an eating disorder. Pandora rewards kept me "symptom-free" (no bingeing, purging, or restricting) and helped me set goals for what they call "behaviour activation" - getting active and making changes in behaviour. I was VERY motivated to get Pandora charms! The sense of self-mastery upon achieving those goals created a momentum of success that made me stronger after each little challenge, whether the goal was simply to walk around the block every day for a week or to make lunch for myself. Pandora became a symbol of that success - a symbol to remind me of the things I had accomplished, a symbol I could carry with me all the time, and often a symbol of an affirmation that would help me. And Pandora gave me something to look forward to.

The Winter 2013 version of my "Beat the Winter Blues" bracelet

Throughout that first winter, I enjoyed taking photos of my charms and sharing on the main Pandora page the meanings for the charms - what became known as my "stories." That winter I was one of the 50 most "engaged" fans on the page and was sent a lovely gift package from Pandora headquarters. There was a number of Pandora promotional items, including an umbrella and a round "play tray," but the most meaningful to me was the new pavé lights charm (next to the clasp). That charm symbolizes that first winter, and how my Pandora charms and my new Pandora friends helped me get through the winter.

The following year, I was determined that the winter of 2013 was going to be different, that I would not just "survive" it. So I started building a bracelet reminding me of all the things I needed to consciously DO to "Beat the Winter Blues" (the photo above is from the winter of 2013). For example, I was going to make my fitness a priority, so I set fitness goals. I tend to isolate when I am depressed, despite the fact that I am an extrovert who is energized by being around people. So I thought it was a good idea to go to a gym where I could socialize while I'm exercising. I decided that I would volunteer at the Y to get a free membership. The added benefit was that I travelled downtown on the bus two mornings a week and got to chat with my husband. So I wore my clear pavé lights to remind me that, just like the previous year, staying "engaged" with my Pandora friends would help me stay "engaged" in my life, and beat the winter blues.

"Blue Skies"

I was blue, just as blue as I could be.
Ev'ry day was a cloudy day for me
Then good luck came a-knocking at my door
Skies were grey but they're not any more

Blue skies
Smiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see

Blue days all of them gone
Nothing but blue skies
From now on

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On the second day of Christmas... polar bear