Clean up with the tea cup

I can’t quite believe I’m doing this. This has been one of my hardest blog posts to write because I’m sharing with you my shame. I’m not a hoarder. Really, I’m not! But you might not believe me when you see the “Before” photos from our home. With the help of the little tea cup charm I can now share with you some “After” photos and tell you how I got there.

 

The tea cup and other novelty/animal charms on my all-silver bracelet with my Pandora timebead

 

I recently completed a makeover of our Sunporch, and I’ve been sharing some photos on Facebook. But you can’t truly appreciate my accomplishment unless you know where I started from, and how far I’ve come.

A number of years ago I participated in a group therapy workshop for people with anxiety and depression. It was based mainly on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (aka CBT). I was severely depressed after my mother’s death. I couldn’t function. I didn’t get anything done. And our house was a disaster! 

Our basement TV room

In the group therapy, the psychologist asked me what ONE thing I could do to make things more manageable. I said, “Do the dishes.” So that was my goal for that week. There was one stipulation. The dishes were the ONLY thing I could do. And a very interesting thing happened.

 

Our kitchen "Before"

Over the next week, doing my homework, I noticed that every time I entered a room in my home, two things would happen. First, I would notice all the things that needed to get done, and get very overwhelmed. And the second thing? I would start beating myself up because our house was a disaster. You may be familiar with this concept of beating yourself up; we sometimes call it “naming, blaming and shaming.” It goes something like this, “OMG, I am so… (insert label of your choice).” For me it was usually criticism of myself, “I am so disorganized,” or “I am so lazy.” But it could also be criticism of our home, or the situation, “Our house is so messy!” “This is disgusting.” “How embarrassing!” Well, you get the idea. In fact, I was so ashamed of living like this – so ashamed of myself – that no adults came into our house for years. Yes, you read that correctly: YEARS!

Mitchell's bedroom

Over the next week, every time I entered a room in my home, and those negative thoughts came up – as they inevitably would – I would say, “The only thing I need to do is wash the dishes.” I could give myself a break; I didn’t need to deal with ALL the things that needed to get done, right this moment – or even this week. I would remind myself, “I’m not ALLOWED to do anything except the dishes.” So my go-to phrase was simply, “Just do… the dishes.” Not quite the Nike ad, but it worked for me.

A clean stove-top

I washed the dishes. It took quite a while. And the mess came back, repeatedly. But what I realized with this exercise was that just focusing on one accomplishment at a time allowed me to turn off – or at least ignore – all the other critical chatter in my brain. A number of years later, when I was really ready to tackle my depression and eating disorder, I used this same approach. I would use a Pandora charm to focus on the one thing I need to do this week, to earn that charm. The goal could be to plan and prepare myself a lunch, to earn the picnic basket charm. When I would enter a messy room, I could say to myself, “Nope, we are just focusing on making lunches this week.” You can go here to read more about the beginning of this journey with Pandora and my earliest charms. I have discovered that Pandora charms are VERY motivating to me.

The master bedroom before the Clean Sweep

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focuses on changing your thoughts as well as your behaviours. If you haven’t read my post about the problem with “should” statements, i.e. “shoulding all over yourself,” please go take a look here. In examining your thoughts, you can start to see what they call cognitive distortions or cognitive errors – errors in your thinking. You may have already noticed some of these in the previous paragraphs. People with depression and/or anxiety often overestimate how long something will take and how difficult it will be. In CBT this is called “maximizing.” If you hear yourself using words like terrible, awful, disgusting, scary, horrendous or sickening, then you are falling into this trap. Our grandmothers may have said it was, “making a mountain out of a molehill.” I was expending a lot of energy anticipating how hard it would be or how long it would take. When we are caught up in this kind of thinking, we also underestimate our ability to handle something, and the energy we have to do the required task. This is called “minimizing.” Sometimes these tendencies are referred to as using a "negative filter."

 

I have a friend, who also battles depression, and she sent me an email last year that illustrates this point. “These last few years,” she wrote, “it feels like life is so fast I can hardly catch my breath, let alone do the basic stuff of life to keep the family going. Not sure how to get off this treadmill into something more closely resembling my idea of how to live. What kind of crazy life is it that it is too busy to even go out for a short cup of tea?” Sound like maximizing to you? It’s now one year later and we have yet to go out for a short cup of tea. That’s why I use the tea cup charm to represent this battle.

 

 

This problem of feeling “overwhelmed” is a common theme in a lot of the things I’m working on. The thoughts would be, “There’s too much to do. I’ll never get this finished.” According to my notes from that CBT program, challenging these cognitive distortions is a powerful way to counter perfectionism, curb procrastination and relieve depression and anxiety. The prescription for this tendency to maximize and minimize, or use a negative filter, is to describe people or events with more accurate language. This is sometimes called a “balancing statement,” with alternative not-so-negative thoughts. Instead of saying our house is a disaster or disgusting, I can say, “Our house is messy. We are working on getting it cleaned up.” This is describing something without judgement or emotion. It’s just a fact and less harmful.

"We are working on it"
A photo celebrating the Clean Sweep of our bedroom;
turns out the afternoon sun is beautiful on the hardwood floors

I also challenged the thought that it would take "forever." I timed myself. In my work as a personal trainer, people often ask if they should exercise if they are sick or they just don’t feel like exercising. I tell them to give themselves permission to just do 10 minutes. If, after 10 minutes, you feel worse with your cold, or you still don’t feel like exercising, you can stop. Of course once someone has started a workout, either strength-training or walking/running, they usually don’t want to stop after 10 minutes. But they CAN; they give themselves permission. Doing 10 minutes of exercise three times a day is just as helpful, with respect to improving your health or managing your weight, as doing 30 minutes of continuous exercise. Ten minutes can make a big difference. So now I apply this to the kitchen. It doesn’t seem to matter how messy the kitchen gets, it usually only takes me 10 minutes to dig through the mess and find the kitchen counter.

Challenging the negative thoughts about myself is another solution. A very wise friend of mine, who I worked with a long time ago, heard me say, “I am so disorganized!” She challenged me on that and said, “You’re actually good at organizing, you just don’t enjoy maintenance.” That statement is more accurate and not as judgemental or shaming.

At the beginning of the school year, in September, I said I was going to stay on top of the dishes – despite the fact that maintenance is boring. It’s now July. The kids just finished their school year. And I can say, “I did it.” I stayed on top of the dishes for a whole school year.

A recent photo of the kitchen counter

If I come in the kitchen and see this (above), I remind myself, “Just do the dishes. Just do 10 minutes.” That’s what the little tea cup charm reminds me. And that’s how I tackled our Sunporch fix-up last month: just 10 minutes at a time. The whole makeover cost me just $100



The Seven Steps to a New Sunporch:

In our ongoing Clean Sweep it was time to freshen up our Sunporch. This is a small glassed-in porch on the back of our home and a thoroughfare to our back door that enters onto our kitchen. We never use the front door, and anyone who's been to visit once, knows to come to the back door the next time. This room stores everything from sports equipment to rain boots, recycling bins to sun hats, and everything needed for outdoor dining. But it's also a nice place to sit outside. Mike will sit in the wicker chair while he's got something on the stove or in the evening reading. I sit out there when I take a break during the day, and I love to sit here and listen to the sound of rain coming down.

So here’s the “Before” photo of our Sunporch: with outgrown sandals and boots, leftover birthday cake from November, lots and lots of cobwebs, blankets and towels for fort building. There was a homemade bow and plastic straw arrows (from Taylor's Hunger Games phase), wooden guns and homemade swords and whacking tools (from Mitchell's Live Action Roll Playing i.e. LARPing phase) and a bat and lacrosse sticks (from Mike's must-have-every-variety-of-sports-equipment phase). FYI one of these people will likely never outgrow this phase.

NOTE: If you've seen these photos already you can scroll to the bottom to see the most dramatic "Before" and "After" pics.

 

I started with planning the theme and shopping. For the wicker chair I wanted a new seat cushion with a pillow for a backrest. An area rug to make it feel like a room and to cover the stained cement floor. And the blue IKEA doormat to replace the coir mat that's been there since we moved in 8 years ago, and was here for God-knows how long before that. And finally, a shower curtain to cover the shelves.

 

Unfortunately, when we got to Pier 1, we discovered that I'd done my research with US prices. The seat cushion I thought was on sale for $20 was no longer on sale and cost $48 dollars! And the shower curtain from Canadian Tire was the icky plastic kind. So back to the drawing board.

Take 2: Inspired by the photo with the wicker furniture (below), I found a reversible seat cushion at Pier 1 (on sale) with an IKEA cushion and cushion cover (for a great low price) for the back rest. And I found a different shower curtain at Canadian Tire that matches the new navy 3' x 4' area rug from Home Depot, and the cobalt door mat from IKEA.

 

Stock photos

The material for the seat cushion is much nicer in real life.

Step 1 removal of cobwebs and dirt: Windows were cleaned and everything washed. This ceramic sun was "Made by The Blind Lady" as her labels said (i.e. my mom). She did this in a pottery class for blind people in Halifax.

Step 2 sorting sports equipment (and power-washing the milk crates): Rarely used skateboards and lacrosse sticks were relocated to the garage, wooden guns were put away, swords and other weapons were discarded (except for T's bow). The containers are now filled with the frequently used basketball, football, tennis balls, road hockey and ice hockey pucks, skipping ropes, Frisbees, etc. The coolers were washed. Knee and elbow pads and wrist guards were organized and stored with rollerblades and then moved to the garage. The rugby ball, that won't fit anywhere else, has gone to the top of the shelves. 

 

Step 3 the screen door: It was cleaned (it could probably do with a quick slap of paint - maybe next year) and I replaced the screen myself. #girlswithtools

 

Step 3 the screen door, part 2: Discover that the screen meant to keep flying creatures out and cats in, does not keep cats DOWN! This is Estavon, the older of our two cats, and by far the more curious, fearless and adventuresome.

 

She literally looks like a monkey - and she's waving!

A rare occurrence - for two reasons! 1. Someone is using the new and improved Sunporch before it's even finished and 2. Mitchell is reading a book!

 

Step 4 flooring: The cement floor of the Sunporch was pretty nasty and I couldn't get it clean. I'm sure there is some chemical that would work but I didn't want to take that route. I’ve since been told I could paint the cement floor. But for now it is covered by a 3' x 4' indoor-outdoor area rug in a dark navy for $15, plus a small dark blue mat from IKEA for only $1.50

 

Step 4 flooring cont'd... I saw this IKEA cobalt blue door mat online and loved it. Then I decided I would drive myself crazy if it got dirty, so I gave up on the idea. Once we actually went to IKEA I discovered it isn't a pile carpet but made like a plastic scouring pad. Every time I open our kitchen door to leave the house there is this blue bolt of happiness. It has been bare-foot-tested – and Taylor's nail polish matches.

 

 

Step 4 flooring cont'd... since we don't have a cottage or a boat, I thought I'd make our Sunporch feel like it looks out on a beach in Nova Scotia, even though it just looks out on our backyard. I've added some rocks from the beaches of the South Shore of NS, and to welcome people to our little oasis in the city, a door mat that reminds me of weathered homes and fishing shacks.

 

 

 

 

Step 5 finding a place for everything, and everything in its place: basket for clothes pins with a collection of enamelware; rain boots/shoes, biking boots and Crocs, with a new bucket for umbrellas; stuff for outdoor entertaining; gardening tools, watering can, and a basket for gardening gloves; a shelf for beach towels, swimsuits and paraphernalia; and a rack for BBQ tools, bike locks and a bow.

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

Step 6 disguising the shelves: Although the shelves look better now that they are organized (above), I liked the idea of eliminating the clutter and making the space more visually appealing by hiding all the stuff. It’s too bad I didn’t cover the recycling bins, but that wouldn’t really be convenient. And if the helmet hooks aren't visible they won't be used! I took this shower curtain (the fabric kind) and attached it to the shelves with screws. Each screw held two holes normally meant for the shower curtain hooks. And I sewed the pleated edges along the top seam to make sure the holes were hidden. I’m so pleased with how it turned out.

 

"Moroccan tile" shower curtain material

 

 

The little green table is a plastic folding table;
it goes well with the new seat cushions.

 

 

 

Step 7 spray paint the white wicker chair: Mitchell wanted to try spray-painting; these are pics of his Ninja spray-painting posture. When I sprayed, he kept telling me I was "too close." When he was spraying, I would say, "remember, broad sweeping strokes." We were like an old married couple bickering. We first tried it on an inconspicuous spot, on the bottom, but by the time we finished the underside, back, and outside of the chair we ran out of paint. The next day I finished it and couldn’t believe what a difference it made!

 

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for more make-overs of our bedroom, basement and kids' rooms, and my Pandora rewards.

Sing. Sing out loud...

One of the best pieces of parenting advice I've ever received was from someone who was not even a parent. He was a musician and a music producer.

I can remember this day so clearly. My husband's sister Patty was celebrating her 40th birthday. Patty's husband, Jay, his brother Kevin, and his sister Jennifer, along with Jennifer's then-boyfriend (and music producer) Michael, were getting ready to play a concert on the deck at my in-law's cottage.
 

 

Michael was the drummer of the group. While he was setting up, both of my kids showed some interest in the drum set. So he let them give it a try.

My son Mitchell has always been an active and LOUD kid, as well as a clown, and we've channeled him to drums since he was quite little. At this time, when Taylor was in grade 3, she had started taking piano lessons at school, and her piano teacher said she was quite good at reading music.

  

As Taylor sat at the drums, I quietly said to Michael, "We will probably encourage her to take more music lessons because she's not a very good singer." I know that sounds harsh, but my husband and I both noticed that she sounded very off key when she sang. But this drummer straightened me out. He implored me not to discourage her from singing, saying she may learn. So I didn't rule it out.

My father was an excellent singer, involved in the Glee Club in university, and even sang with the Provincial Symphony Orchestra. I sang in the choir when I was in elementary school and for many years sang in the church choir along with my father. I would never say I was a "good singer" but maybe I was comparing myself to my dad, trying to live up to his standards.

I'm not a very religious person but, as a kid, I loved singing in church and especially loved singing Christmas carols - still do. One year, after we were married, but before we had kids, I was singing enthusiastically in church on Christmas Eve. After the service someone I know well said to me something along the lines of, "Boy, you like to belt out the tunes in church!" I can't remember exactly what she said, but I can easily recall the feeling of being shamed and embarrassed! I knew she was being sarcastic, and I was pretty sure it was a criticism.

When Taylor was in grade 4 she, too, started to love to sing. Her class was invited to participate in a program called "Blue in the Schools." As part of the summer Blues festival in our city, professional musicians and educators bring the Blues to local schools. They do large assemblies with the whole school but also work with a smaller group of students, sometimes writing music, learning instruments, or learning to perform. Taylor's class worked with a Blues singer from Toronto. After their 5-day intensive practice they did a performance for the rest of the school. Their joy was infectious!
 

Taylor enjoyed it so much she came home from school and said, "I don't know why I never joined choir, Mommy."  So from then on she sang in the school choir.

Despite the fact that she has dyslexia, Taylor is fascinated with words. First there were idioms, then knock-knock jokes, and riddles. Then she had little notebooks where she collected lateral-thinking quizzes and quotes from her favourite books.

In grade 6 Taylor started collecting the lyrics to her favourite Christmas carols. She printed them and put them in duo tangs and shared them with her friends. She and her friends were asked to sing Christmas carols before the morning announcements and then they were invited to sing at their school's assembly in December. Unfortunately it was a snow day and busses were cancelled, so there were only six of the girls at school that day. They resorted to asking the boys in their class to join them. (Taylor is in the pink shirt and pigtails, and you can just see Mitchell in the back row on the right)

Once kids are in middle school, music classes are all about instruments. Each class formed an orchestra and Taylor learned to play the clarinet. But she still sang in the school choir and was one of a select group of kids chosen to participate in "Blues in the Schools" again. They performed for the school, and parents, but they also got to sing on stage at the BluesFest; such a proud moment for her.
 

This year, Taylor's first year in high school, her choice for an Arts credit was vocal music, instead of instrumental. She took so much pleasure from learning more music theory and history. She now knows how to use her voice as an instrument. And Yes, I can hear you saying, "See, she did learn how to sing!"
 

The last week of April was the year-end concert with all the vocal classes in her school (about 100 students), plus choral groups from three other schools in the city. The concert took place in a beautiful French Catholic church in our neighbourhood. The parish was founded in 1891 by the Order of Capuchins and the church itself was built in 1914.  With the acoustics of this interior, and singers on two side balconies, hearing all those voices fill the air was truly magical, and moving. 

Taylor's not a very talkative person but when we got home from her performance she talked my ear off. She wanted to tell me more about the different songs, which parts she enjoyed, and when she got to sing the melody instead of the harmony (which is what the altos usually sing).

I was so pleased to see her passion. And so glad I didn't discourage her from taking that road to singing! She may not be the best singer in her class, and she may not have a solo - although I won't a rule those out either - but she takes great pleasure in her participation. And isn't that how it should be?

Video of "We Rise Again" performed by the Fourtissimo mass choir

https://www.facebook.com/sheila.holmes.52/videos/10154030842620731/

One of the songs they sang as a mass choir was "We Rise Again," most frequently recognized for being recorded by The Rankin Family, a group of Celtic singers from Cape Breton. If you watch this video performance by the Rankin Family (along with other well-known Canadian singers including the coal miners of "Men of the Deeps"), you can see why the early settlers named my home province "Nova Scotia," meaning "New Scotland." This song has been described as an anthem of resilience and hope. The lyrics (below) speak to me about how we are made again through our children. I am a different person than I was before I became a mom. I have learned from my children - and healed through parenting them. It also tells me that when times are dark, we keep going for our children and they give us strength and hope. One of the singers from the Rankin Family said, "The song is about hope, looking to the future and looking to our children."

YouTube Video of "We Rise Again"

"We Rise Again"

Anne Murray In Nova Scotia

Watching Taylor's musical journey, seeing her become the songbird she is now, has made me realize that I've always chosen to do things that I know I'm good at - not knowing that you can do things simply for the joy of it.
 

The night of Taylor's concert I wore my Mother-Daughter bracelet that I call "Flower Power" because it's all about the lessons I hope to teach my daughter, but more importantly it's about the lessons I have learned from my daughter, as well as from my own mother. But to represent this particular lesson from Taylor I have the "songbird" charm on my Folklore bracelet.
 

I've always looked outside of myself for approval and recognition, but Taylor is not like that. Before her first piano recital when she 8, I asked if she was nervous and she said, "No. If I make a mistake nobody will notice."

Taylor has never been very competitive. She would participate simply for the inherent joy, the attending challenge, and the sense of accomplishment. She would come home from gymnastics and say, "Mommy, I can do a squat-on!" Of course I needed her to explain to me that that was a move on the uneven bars. No mark from the gymnastics judges. No medal or ribbon. Just the joy of having a challenge and mastering it.

On that Christmas Eve, many years ago, after singing in church, I allowed that criticism to make me feel that I shouldn't be myself. "I'm too loud. I take up too much space. I shouldn't sing so enthusiastically," said my inner critic. I've always felt I was criticized for being too energetic, too expressive, or too exuberant. I want to sing with joy and abandon, without needing the appreciation of others, regardless of the consequences. I'm not going to let someone make me feel ashamed for singing - singing out loud - and enjoying it.
 

Next time I'm singing in church, singing around the campfire, singing Christmas carols, or singing in the car, I'll sing like Taylor, just for the joy of it. I'll tell myself I'm "Free to Be Me." And, like The Carpenters' song says, I will "Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong... Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing. Sing a song." I will take Mark Twain's advice to "Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like it's heaven on earth." Like Taylor.
 

"We Rise Again"

By Leon Dubinsky 

When the waves roll on over the waters

And the ocean cries

We look to our sons and daughters

To explain our lives

As if a child could tell us why

That as sure as the sunrise

As sure as the sea

As sure as the wind in the trees

We rise again in the faces of our children

We rise again in the voices of our song

We rise again in the waves out on the ocean

And then we rise again

When the light goes dark

With the forces of creation

Across a stormy sky

We look to reincarnation

To explain our lives

As if a child could tell us why

That as sure as the sunrise

As sure as the sea

As sure as the wind in the trees

We rise again in the faces of our children

We rise again in the voices of our song

We rise again in the waves out on the ocean

And then we rise again

We rise again in the faces of our children

We rise again in the voices of our song

We rise again in the waves out on the ocean

And then we rise again

Please excuse my absence of late. March dissappeared with Spring Break and then a holiday. April consisted exclusively of my being sick with a cold that turned into pneumonia. And now in May our computer is not working and WiFi is down. So please forgive me for any editing errors; I'm trying to post from my phone! Fear not, there are more stories still to come!